humourous sporting double-entendres [LOL READ]

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.


Jenson drives it like he owns it; Lewis drives it like he stole it

LMAO! Those are brilliant!

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Everyone knows that million-to-one chances happen 9 times out of 10; indeed, it's a common requirement in fairy tales. If the human didn't have to overcome huge odds, what would be the point? Terry Pratchett - The Science Of Discworld

GPGSL S5 Race driver for IED.

Not quite the same but its commentary so this will do. Only reason to watch darts is for the commentary:

"Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow."

"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete." "That was like throwing three
pickled onions into a thimble!"

"He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed"

"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water buffalo with a
pea-shooter"

"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of
chips.......you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"

"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the
windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."

"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"

"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck
out"

"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch"

"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."

"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."

"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"

"Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint."

"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."

"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"He is as slick as minestrone soup"

"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians
to the Lions."

"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"

"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

"John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians"

"When I see Steve Davis I see two letters... C S... Cue Sorceror"

"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"

"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"

"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the
Snap,Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"

"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"

"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true
roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."

"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the
cookie's and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing
athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were
no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27."

"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in
Essex."

"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone
home."

"He's playing out of his pie crust."

"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll
have to play outta their essence!"

"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall
body strength."

"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas
Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."

"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league"

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts
orbit!"

"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the
Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."

"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a
choo-choo train!"

"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."

"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"

Ah, Sid Wattell. Can't stand him, but the stuff he comes out with is gold.

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Everyone knows that million-to-one chances happen 9 times out of 10; indeed, it's a common requirement in fairy tales. If the human didn't have to overcome huge odds, what would be the point? Terry Pratchett - The Science Of Discworld

GPGSL S5 Race driver for IED.

danm, they're awesome. Most I've read before (think I've still got a newspaper clipping from when I first read them actually!), but some new ones since then. Excellent stuff. Still makes me laugh everytime. :D

Few more I've got saved here:

'I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs...'
( Andy Gray, Sky Sports )

'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
( Metro Radio )
(Best one ever IMO)

'And for those of you who watched the last programme ( Fanny and Johnny Craddock Cookery Programme on the BBC ), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fannys'
(David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day)

If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them
(Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game)

'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.'
(Ron Atkinson)

'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class'
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

Bahahahahahahaha :D

lol some great ones there, I like to look at the quotes of the week on the bbc sport site, some here:

"You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn - there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box."
Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport.

"Ryan O'Leary had to come on in the second half because Simon Ford was feeling his groin at half-time."
Comment from Kilmarnock Manager Jim Jeffries after the game v Hearts. (Stuart Graham, UK).

"Quakers are likely to be without Greg Blundell tomorrow as the striker struggles with a dead calf."
From the Northern Echo. I can just picture the Darlington striker down on the farm! (Tim Hanstock, England).

"I've been a bit of a useless tosser up to now."
Paul Collingwood commenting on BBC Radio 5 Live after winning the toss against the West Indies in the one-day series. (Chris Huff, Bologna, Italy).

Steve Parrish: "I think Stoner's got tyre issues."
Charlie Cox: "Yeah, they're not going round fast enough."
Steve Parrish and Charlie Cox commentating on the Dutch Moto GP after Valentino Rossi took the lead from Casey Stoner. (Ian Munday, UK).

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Ric Scott

the greatest ever one was "The Batsman's Holding, the Bowler's Willy"

Sim

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All Hail The New York Giants - Winners of Superbowl XXI, XXV and XLII!

"I'd love to know what goes on in that crazy head of yours sometimes, Sim..." - Locke Cole

Actually the Bowler's Holding the Batsman's Willey, but there ya go. Peter Willey bowling in a test match would've been a great sight.

And there's always Jonathan Agnew's "He just couldn't quite get his leg over" after Botham was out hit wicket

Old but popular one from Murray Walker and James Hunt:

MW: "And there goes Prost's car into the Swimming Pool with flames coming out of the back!"
JH: "Well that should put them out then."

James could hardly miss a beat with those put-downs and quick remarks. Sadly missed. Would no doubt be a great asset alongside Martin Brundle.

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Everyone knows that million-to-one chances happen 9 times out of 10; indeed, it's a common requirement in fairy tales. If the human didn't have to overcome huge odds, what would be the point? Terry Pratchett - The Science Of Discworld

GPGSL S5 Race driver for IED.

best read in a while lol. :D nice find dan.

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"Trulli was slowing down like he wanted to have a picnic" LOL