Ways To Annoy People
Posted by Vader
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information on scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re- route whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce, "No wait, I messed it up" and repeat.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what gender they are
While making a presentation, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars and see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information on scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re- route whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce, "No wait, I messed it up" and repeat.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what gender they are
While making a presentation, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars and see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
The Year's Best Headlines
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
War Dims Hope for Peace
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
War Dims Hope for Peace
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose your son though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose your son though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
Things To Do On A Blind Date...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the bathroom?!"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
Order beef tongue. Make crude comparisons or comments.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting, belch and say "Boy, did you get ripped off!"
Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the bathroom?!"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
Order beef tongue. Make crude comparisons or comments.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting, belch and say "Boy, did you get ripped off!"
Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
LOL!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LMAO!!!
These are fantastic!
These are fantastic!
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
didnt they get bored?
didnt they get bored?
You forgot one 
Be Vader <chuckles>
[www.mediafire.com] Some say you should click it, you know you want to.
[www.gp4central.com] <----GP4 Central
Be Vader <chuckles>[www.mediafire.com] Some say you should click it, you know you want to.
[www.gp4central.com] <----GP4 Central:D
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
carm down Vader, carm down
*****
and in english?
*****
and in english?
Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.