Hollywood slander
Posted by Vader
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Rita Rudner
Whatever happened to John Travolta? I heard he joined some cult and got fat. Or he married and had a child. Which amounts to the same thing.
- Gerard Depardieu on John Travolta
I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
- Jasper Carrott
Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Anonymous screen test on Fred Astaire
I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
- Alfred Hitchcock
An over-fat, flatulent, 62-year-old windbag. A master of inconsequence masquerading as a guru.
- Richard Harris, on Michael Caine
Christina Aguielra is one of the most disgusting human beings in the world.
- Kelly Osbourne
Everyone is going on about how great Julia was in Erin Brockovich, but what did actually do? Wear push-up bras. It wasn't great acting.
- Eric Roberts, on his sister, Julia Roberts
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando
In Hollywood, a starlet is the name for any woman under thirty who is not actively employed in a brothel.
- Ben Hecht
If people don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting.
- Herman J. Mankiewicz on Charlie Chaplin
When Chaplin found a voice to say what was on his mind, he was like a child of eight writing lyrics for Beethoven's Ninth.
- Billy Wilder on Charlie Chaplin
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
- Joan Rivers
Glenda Jackson has a face to launch a thousand dredgers.
- Jack deManio
He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats.
- Roger Gellert on John Cleese
Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
- Bette Davis on Jayne Mansfield
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
- Robin Williams
She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.
- Oscar Levant on Zsa Zsa Gabor
My dear chap! Good isn't the word!
- W. S. Gilbert, speaking to an actor after he had given a poor performance
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
- Jim Carrey
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
- Harry. M. Warner, founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
Another dirty shirt tail actor from New York.
- Hedda Hopper on James Dean
He played the King as though under momentary apprehension that someone else was about to play the ace.
- Eugene Field, referring to Creston Clarke's performance in the role of King Lear.
What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan, on Clint Eastwood's bid to be elected mayor of Carmel
A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent.
- Mr. Blackwell on Brigitte Bardot
Well, at least he has found his true love - what a pity he can't marry himself.
- Frank Sinatra, on Robert Redford
Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts.
- Clive James
She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight pot-belly.
- Richard Burton, on Elizabeth Taylor
Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.
- Critic John Simon, on Diana Rigg nude on stage
She wasn't very good. She was fine when she was six or seven. But did you notice how she couldn't act when she was fourteen?
- Tatum O'Neal, on Shirley Temple
A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.
- W. C. Fields on Mae West
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
- Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Fred Allen
If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives.
- Marlon Brando
A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
-Tom Shales on Robin Williams
Gone With the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in Hollywood history. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling flat on his face and not Gary Cooper.
- Gary Cooper, after he turned down the role of Rhett Butler
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
- Johnny Carson on Chevy Chase
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.
- Howard Hughes on Clark Gable
Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here.
- Groucho Marx on his brother, Chico
There were three things that Chico was always on - a phone, a horse, or a broad.
- Groucho Marx on his brother, Chico
He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog.
- John Simon on Walter Matthau
His features resembled a fossilized wash rag.
- Alan Brien on Steve McQueen
You can't direct a Laughton picture. The best you can hope for is to referee.
- Alfred Hitchcock
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.
- Mae West on fellow film star Jean Harlow
An Actor is someone whom, if you aren't talking about him, he isn't listening.
- Marlon Brando
Bette Davis and I are good friends. There's nothing I wouldn't say to her face - both of them.
- Tallulah Bankhead
She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them.
- John Gielgud on Ingrid Bergman
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
- Rita Rudner
Whatever happened to John Travolta? I heard he joined some cult and got fat. Or he married and had a child. Which amounts to the same thing.
- Gerard Depardieu on John Travolta
I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
- Jasper Carrott
Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Anonymous screen test on Fred Astaire
I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
- Alfred Hitchcock
An over-fat, flatulent, 62-year-old windbag. A master of inconsequence masquerading as a guru.
- Richard Harris, on Michael Caine
Christina Aguielra is one of the most disgusting human beings in the world.
- Kelly Osbourne
Everyone is going on about how great Julia was in Erin Brockovich, but what did actually do? Wear push-up bras. It wasn't great acting.
- Eric Roberts, on his sister, Julia Roberts
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando
In Hollywood, a starlet is the name for any woman under thirty who is not actively employed in a brothel.
- Ben Hecht
If people don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting.
- Herman J. Mankiewicz on Charlie Chaplin
When Chaplin found a voice to say what was on his mind, he was like a child of eight writing lyrics for Beethoven's Ninth.
- Billy Wilder on Charlie Chaplin
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
- Joan Rivers
Glenda Jackson has a face to launch a thousand dredgers.
- Jack deManio
He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats.
- Roger Gellert on John Cleese
Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
- Bette Davis on Jayne Mansfield
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
- Robin Williams
She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.
- Oscar Levant on Zsa Zsa Gabor
My dear chap! Good isn't the word!
- W. S. Gilbert, speaking to an actor after he had given a poor performance
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
- Jim Carrey
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
- Harry. M. Warner, founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
Another dirty shirt tail actor from New York.
- Hedda Hopper on James Dean
He played the King as though under momentary apprehension that someone else was about to play the ace.
- Eugene Field, referring to Creston Clarke's performance in the role of King Lear.
What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan, on Clint Eastwood's bid to be elected mayor of Carmel
A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent.
- Mr. Blackwell on Brigitte Bardot
Well, at least he has found his true love - what a pity he can't marry himself.
- Frank Sinatra, on Robert Redford
Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts.
- Clive James
She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight pot-belly.
- Richard Burton, on Elizabeth Taylor
Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.
- Critic John Simon, on Diana Rigg nude on stage
She wasn't very good. She was fine when she was six or seven. But did you notice how she couldn't act when she was fourteen?
- Tatum O'Neal, on Shirley Temple
A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.
- W. C. Fields on Mae West
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
- Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Fred Allen
If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives.
- Marlon Brando
A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
-Tom Shales on Robin Williams
Gone With the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in Hollywood history. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling flat on his face and not Gary Cooper.
- Gary Cooper, after he turned down the role of Rhett Butler
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
- Johnny Carson on Chevy Chase
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.
- Howard Hughes on Clark Gable
Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here.
- Groucho Marx on his brother, Chico
There were three things that Chico was always on - a phone, a horse, or a broad.
- Groucho Marx on his brother, Chico
He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog.
- John Simon on Walter Matthau
His features resembled a fossilized wash rag.
- Alan Brien on Steve McQueen
You can't direct a Laughton picture. The best you can hope for is to referee.
- Alfred Hitchcock
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.
- Mae West on fellow film star Jean Harlow
An Actor is someone whom, if you aren't talking about him, he isn't listening.
- Marlon Brando
Bette Davis and I are good friends. There's nothing I wouldn't say to her face - both of them.
- Tallulah Bankhead
She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them.
- John Gielgud on Ingrid Bergman
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
Her voice is a cross between Donald Duck and a Stradivarius.
- Anon. on Katharine Hepburn
'Ben Hur' - Charlton Heston throws all his punches in the first ten minutes (three grimaces and two intonations) so that he has nothing left long before he stumbles to the end, four hours later, and has to react to the crucifixion. (He does make it clear, I must admit, that he disapproves of it.)
- Dwight MacDonald, on Charlton Heston
I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me.
- Gina Lollogrigida, on Rock Hudson
Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing.
- Harry Medved, on Dean Martin
Anyone might become homosexual after seeing Glenda Jackson naked.
- Auberon Waugh
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
- Dorothy Parker
He's a male chauvinistic piglet.
- Betty Friedan, on Groucho Marx
It's like kissing Hitler.
- Tony Curtis, on Marilyn Monroe
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
- Noel Coward
She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short.
- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
'The Silver Chalice' - He delivered his lines with the emotional fervor of a conductor announcing local stops.
- 'The New Yorker' on Paul Newman
He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.
- Pauline Kael, on Robert Redford
Poor little man, they made him out of lemon Jell-O and there he is. He's honest and hardworking but he's not great.
- Adela Rogers St. John, on on Robert Redford
His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.
- Phyllis Diller, on Mickey Rooney
She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly.
- Richard Burton, on Elizabeth Taylor
In a mere half century films have gone from silent to unspeakable.
- Doug Larson
My movies were the kind they show in prisons and on airplanes, because no-one can leave.
- Burt Reynolds
Awards are like hemorrhoids; sooner or later every ******* gets some.
- Frederic Raphael
Jack Warner has oilcloth pockets so he can steal soup.
- Wilson Mizner
I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
- Oscar Levant, on Phyllis Diller
When it comes to acting, Joan Rivers has the range of a wart.
- Stewart Klein
She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
- Joan Rivers, on Madonna
A great actress, from the waist down.
- Dame Margaret Kendal, on Sarah Bernhardt
She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.
- Dorothy Parker, on Katherine Hepburn
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
- Groucho Marx
Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- Joan Rivers
She's a vacuum with nipples.
- Otto Preminger, on Marilyn Monroe
She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
- Billy Wilder, on Marilyn Monroe
I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well.
- Joan Crawford, on Judy Garland
She aught to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra.
- Bette Midler, on Helen Reddy
She's a vacuum with nipples.
- Otto Preminger, on Marilyn Monroe
You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
- Bob Hope
Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman
She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater.
- Louella Parsons on Joan Collins
Joan always cries a lot. Her tear ducts must be close to her bladder.
- Bette Davis, on Joan Crawford
She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
- Joan Rivers, on Bo Derek
Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.
- Sir Laurence Olivier
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness.
- David Shipmanon, on Marlene Dietrich
The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli.
- John Simon, on Shelley Duvall
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- Joan Rivers
He acts like he's got a Mixmaster up his ass and doesn't want anyone to know it.
- Marlon Brando, on Montgomery Clift
He got a reputation as a great actor by just thinking hard about the next line.
- King Vidor, on Gary Cooper
Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy!
- Ava Gardner, on Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra
Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the intellect. No, it's the hair.
- Tom Shales, on Farrah Fawcett
He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms.
- Mamie Van Doren, on Warren Beatty
I wouldn't vote for her if she stood on her head and spit nickels out.
- Lauren Bacall, on Rosie Perez's Oscar nomination
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.
- Jackie Gleason
She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.
- Cecil Beaton, on Katherine Hepburn
Every minute this broad spends outside of bed is a waste of time.
- Michael Todd, on Elizabeth Taylor
Her hair lounges on her shoulders like an anesthetized cocker spaniel.
- Henry Allen, on Lauren Bacall
A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent.
- Mr. Blackwell, on Brigitte Bardot
She's like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day.
- Camille Paglia, on Drew Barrymore
She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them.
- John Gielgud, on Ingrid Bergman
A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it.
- George Bernard Shaw, on Isadora Duncan
The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli.
- John Simon, on Shelley Duvall
Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
- Bette Davis, on Jayne Mansfield
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
- Robin Williams
It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's between her ears instead of her legs.
- Katherine Hepburn, on Sharon Stone
Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it.
- Bosley Crowther, on Loretta Young
Hollywood: Real diamonds, fake breasts.
- Nathan Lane
It was like having a demented, highly intelligent parrot in the house.
- Quentin Tarantino's mother, on her famous son
I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew than that my IQ had been damaged.
- Stephen King
Post Edited (02-07-03 23:28)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
- Anon. on Katharine Hepburn
'Ben Hur' - Charlton Heston throws all his punches in the first ten minutes (three grimaces and two intonations) so that he has nothing left long before he stumbles to the end, four hours later, and has to react to the crucifixion. (He does make it clear, I must admit, that he disapproves of it.)
- Dwight MacDonald, on Charlton Heston
I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me.
- Gina Lollogrigida, on Rock Hudson
Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing.
- Harry Medved, on Dean Martin
Anyone might become homosexual after seeing Glenda Jackson naked.
- Auberon Waugh
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
- Dorothy Parker
He's a male chauvinistic piglet.
- Betty Friedan, on Groucho Marx
It's like kissing Hitler.
- Tony Curtis, on Marilyn Monroe
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
- Noel Coward
She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short.
- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
'The Silver Chalice' - He delivered his lines with the emotional fervor of a conductor announcing local stops.
- 'The New Yorker' on Paul Newman
He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.
- Pauline Kael, on Robert Redford
Poor little man, they made him out of lemon Jell-O and there he is. He's honest and hardworking but he's not great.
- Adela Rogers St. John, on on Robert Redford
His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.
- Phyllis Diller, on Mickey Rooney
She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly.
- Richard Burton, on Elizabeth Taylor
In a mere half century films have gone from silent to unspeakable.
- Doug Larson
My movies were the kind they show in prisons and on airplanes, because no-one can leave.
- Burt Reynolds
Awards are like hemorrhoids; sooner or later every ******* gets some.
- Frederic Raphael
Jack Warner has oilcloth pockets so he can steal soup.
- Wilson Mizner
I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
- Oscar Levant, on Phyllis Diller
When it comes to acting, Joan Rivers has the range of a wart.
- Stewart Klein
She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
- Joan Rivers, on Madonna
A great actress, from the waist down.
- Dame Margaret Kendal, on Sarah Bernhardt
She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.
- Dorothy Parker, on Katherine Hepburn
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
- Groucho Marx
Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- Joan Rivers
She's a vacuum with nipples.
- Otto Preminger, on Marilyn Monroe
She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
- Billy Wilder, on Marilyn Monroe
I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well.
- Joan Crawford, on Judy Garland
She aught to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra.
- Bette Midler, on Helen Reddy
She's a vacuum with nipples.
- Otto Preminger, on Marilyn Monroe
You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
- Bob Hope
Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman
She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater.
- Louella Parsons on Joan Collins
Joan always cries a lot. Her tear ducts must be close to her bladder.
- Bette Davis, on Joan Crawford
She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
- Joan Rivers, on Bo Derek
Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.
- Sir Laurence Olivier
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness.
- David Shipmanon, on Marlene Dietrich
The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli.
- John Simon, on Shelley Duvall
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- Joan Rivers
He acts like he's got a Mixmaster up his ass and doesn't want anyone to know it.
- Marlon Brando, on Montgomery Clift
He got a reputation as a great actor by just thinking hard about the next line.
- King Vidor, on Gary Cooper
Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy!
- Ava Gardner, on Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra
Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the intellect. No, it's the hair.
- Tom Shales, on Farrah Fawcett
He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms.
- Mamie Van Doren, on Warren Beatty
I wouldn't vote for her if she stood on her head and spit nickels out.
- Lauren Bacall, on Rosie Perez's Oscar nomination
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.
- Jackie Gleason
She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.
- Cecil Beaton, on Katherine Hepburn
Every minute this broad spends outside of bed is a waste of time.
- Michael Todd, on Elizabeth Taylor
Her hair lounges on her shoulders like an anesthetized cocker spaniel.
- Henry Allen, on Lauren Bacall
A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent.
- Mr. Blackwell, on Brigitte Bardot
She's like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day.
- Camille Paglia, on Drew Barrymore
She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them.
- John Gielgud, on Ingrid Bergman
A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it.
- George Bernard Shaw, on Isadora Duncan
The worst and most homeliest thing to hit the screens since Liza Minelli.
- John Simon, on Shelley Duvall
Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
- Bette Davis, on Jayne Mansfield
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
- Robin Williams
It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's between her ears instead of her legs.
- Katherine Hepburn, on Sharon Stone
Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it.
- Bosley Crowther, on Loretta Young
Hollywood: Real diamonds, fake breasts.
- Nathan Lane
It was like having a demented, highly intelligent parrot in the house.
- Quentin Tarantino's mother, on her famous son
I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew than that my IQ had been damaged.
- Stephen King
Post Edited (02-07-03 23:28)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
Good stuff!
I also hope he didnt type these out too Chris, but i think it was probably a copy and paste job
I also hope he didnt type these out too Chris, but i think it was probably a copy and paste job
but i think it was probably a copy and paste job
No, it was a hand job.
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
No, it was a hand job.
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
No, it was a hand job.
You are a dedicated man!
You are a dedicated man!
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