gruesome jokes
Posted by Vader
Jacque and Mary were Scottish friends. One day Mary's curiosity got the best of her and she said to Jacque:
"Jacque, I've been wondering. What is it that you have up under that kilt?"
To which Jacque replies: "Well, Mary, if you really want to know, you'll have to put your hand up there and find out for yourself."
So Mary reaches up under Jacques kilt and promptly pulls her hand back, saying: "Oh, Jacque, that's gruesome!"
And Jacque, with a twinkle in his eye says: "Aye, Mary, and if you want to put your hand back under there, you'll find that it's grew some more!"
***
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
***
CALL THE TROPHY REDESIGN TEAM
STAT!!!
Christie Kerr is one of the better LPGA golfers. In fact, Christie just won the LPGA Longs Drugs Challenge in Lincoln, California this past Sunday! It was her first win ... and, needless to say, she was quite thrilled. So, how about a nice kiss of the trophy! Tiger does it! It does occur to me, though, that the Longs Drugs Challenge folks might want to consider a redesign of their trophy. Just a suggestion. (AP Photo/Rich Pedroncelli)
***
A Cobra helicopter practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet."
***
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of highway 5 back to the airport."
***
Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean) - also applies to software/hardware producers.
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)
15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
19. Years of development. (One finally worked)
20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
Post Edited (01-27-03 02:50)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
"Jacque, I've been wondering. What is it that you have up under that kilt?"
To which Jacque replies: "Well, Mary, if you really want to know, you'll have to put your hand up there and find out for yourself."
So Mary reaches up under Jacques kilt and promptly pulls her hand back, saying: "Oh, Jacque, that's gruesome!"
And Jacque, with a twinkle in his eye says: "Aye, Mary, and if you want to put your hand back under there, you'll find that it's grew some more!"
***
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
***
CALL THE TROPHY REDESIGN TEAM
STAT!!!
Christie Kerr is one of the better LPGA golfers. In fact, Christie just won the LPGA Longs Drugs Challenge in Lincoln, California this past Sunday! It was her first win ... and, needless to say, she was quite thrilled. So, how about a nice kiss of the trophy! Tiger does it! It does occur to me, though, that the Longs Drugs Challenge folks might want to consider a redesign of their trophy. Just a suggestion. (AP Photo/Rich Pedroncelli)
***
A Cobra helicopter practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet."
***
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of highway 5 back to the airport."
***
Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean) - also applies to software/hardware producers.
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)
15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
19. Years of development. (One finally worked)
20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
Post Edited (01-27-03 02:50)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
LMAO!
Vader strikes again :D
I wonder if she enjoys the trophy more than her husband?
Vader strikes again :D
I wonder if she enjoys the trophy more than her husband?
G'day all..
hehehahahahaha....very good Vades
Do you get all these jokes from emails or do u go looking for them?
hehehahahahaha....very good Vades
Do you get all these jokes from emails or do u go looking for them?
hehe, i read this one:P
Sim
All Hail The New York Giants - Winners of Superbowl XXI, XXV and XLII!
"I'd love to know what goes on in that crazy head of yours sometimes, Sim..." - Locke Cole
Sim
All Hail The New York Giants - Winners of Superbowl XXI, XXV and XLII!
"I'd love to know what goes on in that crazy head of yours sometimes, Sim..." - Locke Cole
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
lol!!!
Sim
All Hail The New York Giants - Winners of Superbowl XXI, XXV and XLII!
"I'd love to know what goes on in that crazy head of yours sometimes, Sim..." - Locke Cole
Sim
All Hail The New York Giants - Winners of Superbowl XXI, XXV and XLII!
"I'd love to know what goes on in that crazy head of yours sometimes, Sim..." - Locke Cole
LOL @ the rock 
rock hard, isn't it?
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
LOl... yup. Ive never seen a hardon that hard before!
The reason for this deplorable state of viridity concerning the aforementioned hardness of said objective might be in coherence with the fact that you are not ensigned to my list of groupies. This however is the direct result of a significant lack of feminine sexual characteristics on your side.
(Is this Ron-speak?)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
(Is this Ron-speak?)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
LMAO Vader!
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Did your birth certificate come with an apology letter from Durex?
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Did your birth certificate come with an apology letter from Durex?
'Vader', the old man repeated, as if recalling from old memory a long disused word. 'Yes, that was the name. I was Vader.'
He stepped down from the rock, and picking up his grey cloak wrapped it about him: it seemed as if the sun had been shining, but now was hid in cloud again. 'Yes, you may still call me Vader,' he said, and the voice was the voice of the old friend and guide. 'Get up, my good Bigears! No blame to you, and no harm done to me. Indeed my friends, none of you have any weapon that could hurt me. Be merry! We meet again. At the turn of the tide. The great storm is coming, but the tide has turned.'
He laid his hand on Bigears' head, and the young man looked up and laughed suddenly. 'Vader!' he said. 'But you are all in white!'
'Yes, I am white now,' said Vader.
Post Edited (01-29-03 00:16)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
He stepped down from the rock, and picking up his grey cloak wrapped it about him: it seemed as if the sun had been shining, but now was hid in cloud again. 'Yes, you may still call me Vader,' he said, and the voice was the voice of the old friend and guide. 'Get up, my good Bigears! No blame to you, and no harm done to me. Indeed my friends, none of you have any weapon that could hurt me. Be merry! We meet again. At the turn of the tide. The great storm is coming, but the tide has turned.'
He laid his hand on Bigears' head, and the young man looked up and laughed suddenly. 'Vader!' he said. 'But you are all in white!'
'Yes, I am white now,' said Vader.
Post Edited (01-29-03 00:16)
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
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