More smashing discoveries

Things to do when you're bored

-Wax the ceiling
-Rearrange political campaign signs
-Sharpen your teeth
-Play Houdini with one of your siblings
-Braid your dog's hair
-Clean and polish your belly button
-Water your dog...see if he grows
-Wash a tree
-Knight yourself
-Name your child Edsel
-Scare Stephen King
-Give your cat a mohawk
-Purr
-Mow your carpet
-Play Pat Boone records backwards
-Vacuum your lawn
-Whine
-Rake your carpet
-Re-elect Richard Nixon
-Critique "Three's Company"
-Listen to a painting
-Play with matches
-Buff your cat
-Race ferrets
-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange
-Have a formal dinner at White Castle
-Read Homer in the original Greek
-Change your mind
-Learn Greek
-Change it back
-Watch the sun...see if it moves
-Stand on your head
-Build a pyramid
-Stand on someone else's head
-Spit shine your Nikes
-See how long you can stay awake
-Paint your teeth
-See how long you can sleep
-Wear a salad
-Speak with a forked tongue
-Get your dog braces
-Shave a shrub
-Have a proton fight
-Watch a car rust
-Quiver
-Rotate your carpet
-Learn to type...with your toes
-Set up your Christmas tree in April
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
-Be someone special
-Mail it to a friend
-Go back to square one
-Factor your social security number
-Take the fifth
-Memorize a series of random numbers
-Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
-Join the Foreign Legion
-Learn Sanskrit
-Exist...existentially, of course
-Print counterfeit Confederate money
-Kick a cabbage
-Take a picture
-Sandpaper a mushroom
-Put it back
-Play solitaire...for cash
-Abuse your patio furniture
-Run for Pope
-Count to a million...fast
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
-Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
-Revert
-Think shallow thoughts
-Sleep on a bed of nails
-Boil ice cream
-DON'T toss and turn
-Run around in squares
-Think of quadruple entendres
-Speak in acronyms
-Have your pillow X-rayed
-Drink straight shots...of water
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown
-Give your goldfish a perm
-Fly a brick
-Play tag...on 35W
-Exorcise a ghost
-Be blue
-Exercise a ghost
-Be red
-Paint stripes on a lake
-But don't be orange
-Ski Kansas
-Sleep in freefall
-Kill a Joule
-Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
-Apply for a unicorn hunting license
-Do a good job
-Crawl
-Invite the Mansons over for dinner
-Paint your windows
-Watch a watch until it stops
-Flash your goldfish
-Paint
-Flirt with an evergreen
-Smile
-Rotate your garden...daily
-Paint a smile
-Shoot a fire hydrant
-Pretend you're blind
-Apologize to it
-Plant a shoe
-Sweat
-Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
-Turn
-Take your sofa for a walk
-Write a letter to Plato
-Start
-Mail it
-Stop
-Dial 911 and breathe heavily
-Go to a funeral...tell jokes
-Play the piano...with mittens on
-Starch your shoes
-Polish your Calvin's
-Contemplate a cockroach
-Get a dog to chase your car
-Investigate the Czar
-Let him catch it
-Form a political party
-Climb a sidewalk
-Have a political party
-Get diagonal...with a good friend
-Ride a loaf of bread
-Sharpen a carrot
-Interrogate a gerbil
-Annoy yourself
-Get mad at yourself
-Stop speaking to yourself
-Be a side effect
-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley
-Duck
-Redecorate...your garage
-Develop a complex
-Join the Army...be someone simple
-Try harder
-Hit the deck
-Put legwarmers on your furniture
-Cut the deck
-Scheme
-Sit
-Water your family room
-Stay
-Cause a power failure
-Roll over
-Wriggle
-Play dead
-Donate your brother's body to science
-Find a witch
-Ask why
-Burn her
-Regress
-Sleepwalk without sleeping
-Go bow hunting for Toyotas
-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
-Jump back
-Play to lose
-Scalp a street light
-Have your car painted...plaid
-Read a tomato
-Sharpen your sleeping skills
-Watch a game show...take notes
-Put out a fire
-Interview a cloud
-If you can't find a fire, make one
-Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
-Play basketball...in a minefield
-Crumple
-Translate Shakespeare into English
-Skydive to church
-Cheer up a potato
-Do aerobic exercises...in your head
-Play cards with your swimming pool
-Pinstripe your driveway
-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
-Harness chipmunk power
-Build a house with ice cubes
-Call London for a cab
-Mug a stop sign
-Change your name...daily
-Go for a walk in your attic
-Challenge your neighbor to a duel
-Try to join Hell's Angels by mail
-Wonder
-Be a square root
-Ask stupid questions
-Weld your car doors shut
-Spew
-Vacation at Three-Mile Island
-Surf Ohio
-Teach your pet rock to play dead
-Go bowling for small game
-Be a monk...for a day
-Wear a sweatband to your wedding
-Staple
-Run away
-Intimidate a piece of chalk
-Abuse the plumbing
-Bend a florescent light
-Bend a brick
-Annoy total strangers
-Don't talk to things
-Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling
-Have your cat bronzed
-Have your gerbil gilded
-Write books about writing books
-Create random equations
-Mispell words
-Tell your feet a joke
-Throw a tomato into a fan
-Sing the ABC song backwards
-Pretend you're a dog
-Dial-a-prayer and argue with it
-Grease the doorknobs
-String up a room
-Stack furniture
-Relive fond memories
-Tie your shoelaces together
-Gargle
-Count your teeth with your tongue
-Decay
-Find your half-life
-Build a house out of toothpicks
-Howl
-Wear a lampshade on your head
-Memorize the dictionary
-Stomp grapes in the bathtub
-Find a bug and chase it
-Make yourself a pair of wings
-Be immobile
-Dance 'til you drop
-Check under chairs for chewing gum
-Squish a loaf of bread
-Moo
-Bounce a potato
-Outmaneuver your shadow
-Climb the walls
-Appreciate everything
-Challenge yourself to a duel
-Believe in Santa Claus
-Let the best man win
-Throw marshmallows against the wall
-Hold an ice cube as long as possible
-Adopt strange mannerisms
-Blow up a balloon until it pops
-Sing soft and sweet and clear
-Open everything
-Sing loud and sour and gravelly
-Balance a pencil on your nose
-Pour milk in your shoes
-Write graffiti under the rug
-Embarass yourself
-Grind your teeth
-Chew ice
-Count your belly button
-Sit in a row
-Stack crumbs
-Gesture
-Save your toenail clippings
-Make a pass at your blender
-Punt
-Make up words that start with X
-Make oatmeal in the bathtub
-Search for the Lost Chord
-Chew on a sofa cushion
-Sing a duet
-Balance a pillow on your head
-Hold your breath
-Faint
-Stretch
-Flash your mailman
-Teach your TA English
-Learn to speak Farsi
-Swear in Russian
-Use an eraser until it goes away
-Disassemble your car
-Record your walls
-Put it together inside out
-Interview your feet
-Make a list of your favorite fungi
-Sell formaldehyde
-Make napalm
-Tattoo your dresser
-Watch a bowling ball
-Buy some diapers
-Eat everything
-Begin
-Pour milk in the sink
-Make cottage cheese
-Tie-dye your sheets
-Hold your earlobes
-Carpet your ceiling
-Fold your earlobes
-Flap
-Squak
-Read tea leaves
-Analyze the Koran
-Be Buddah
-Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
-Plug in the cat
-Turn on everything
-Drop pebbles down the chimney
-Turn off your neighbor
-Kill a plant
-Buy a 1931 Almanac
-Memorize the weather section
-Think lewd thoughts about yourself
-Peel grapes
-Send chills down your spine
-Make paper from the skins
-Blow bubbles
-Bloat
-Catch them with your radiator
-Get run over by a train of thought
-Make up famous sayings
-Bite your pinkie
-File your teeth
-Design a better toilet seat
-Shred a newspaper
-Scratch
-Have a headache
-Sniff
-Hatch an egg
-Memorize the phone book

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

The Harvard entrance exam for jerks

ENTRANCE EXAM -- ATHLETE VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a) build a bridge
b) sail the ocean
c) lead an army or
d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
a) Jewish
b) Catholic
c) Hindu
d) Polish
e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 metres?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

You might be a redneck if...

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just"misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

Things not to say during sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

Disturbing things to do at a movie

1. Wear a top hat.

2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!".

3. Go, "ooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.

5. Make a noise like you're passing gas and go, "ahhh..."

6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some jujy fruits for your asthma.

7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast forward it?"

8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"

9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl's bathroom is flooding.

11. Yell out loud what is going to happen.

12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.

13. Wear a cape and when it's your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.

14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.

15. Tell people that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

Pointless laws in the United States

Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Alaska:
1. It is illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Sarasota:
1. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
2. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is sober until he or she cannot hold onto the ground.
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is simple assault, while biting someone with your false teeth is aggravated assault.

Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Nebraska:
1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

New Mexico:
1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York:
1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking at a woman in that way. Second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a pair of horse-blinders wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota:
1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio:
1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma:
1.Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania:
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Tennessee:
1. It is illegal to lasso a catfish in Tennessee!!

Texas:
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont:
1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week on Saturday night.

Washington:
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
3. In King County, in Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to sit on a man's lap on a metro bus, unless you are married.
4. Vancouver, WA has a city law that requires all motor vehicles to carry anchors... as an emergency brake.

West Virginia:
1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of wild onions.

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

Things you don't want to hear a surgeon say

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie"

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again..."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off"

"What's this doing here?"

"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"

"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!"

"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

"This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"

"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough."

"What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

"FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"

"Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

"I picked a fine time to quit sniffing glue!"

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

Insane quotes to remember

1. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
2. To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
3. If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
4. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
5. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
6. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
7. If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
8. You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
9. I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
10. You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
11. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
12. Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
13. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
14. How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
15. Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
16. One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
17. Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
18. If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.
19. If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
20. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
21. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
22. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
23. When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
24. If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
25. If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
26. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
27. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
28. I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
29. If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
30. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''
31. If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
32. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
33. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
34. If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
35. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
36. Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!
37. I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
38. Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
39. Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
40. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''
41. Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
42. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
43. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
44. I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
45. Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
46. If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
47. I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
48. There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
49. When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
50. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
51. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
52. Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?
53. I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
54. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
55. After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"
56. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
57. I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!
58. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
59. I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!
60. The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
61. I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
62. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?
63. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"
64. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
65. Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
66. Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
67. If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
68. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
69. One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
70. I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."
71. Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.
72. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
73. It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
74. I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
75. If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?
76. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
77. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
78. The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
79. It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
80. Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
81. The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it!
82. You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
83. Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
84. When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
85. Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.
86. I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later."
87. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
88. If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
89. Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
90. Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
91. If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."
92. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
93. If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
94. If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
95. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
96. If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's `fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"
97. Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
98. To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
99. A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
100. Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

Things not to say to your girlfriends parents

1) My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2) Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3) Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4) Can you believe it those @#$%& at the corner market
won't cash my welfare check!

5) We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now,
my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6) Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

7) Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just
for her.

8) Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a
nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

9) There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing
your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

10) Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that
cop car will stay lost...

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

Little known facts about the world

The average driving/car-bus riding person spends about 3 months of their life at a red light.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

---

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

IS THERE NO STOPING THIS MAN??????? :P


THERE GREAT :D:D:D:DD

---

really not in the mood to read them at the moment

Things to do when bored


post lots irrelevant @!#$


you would'nt catch me doing that


but i digress,

the mating rituals of the great blue swallow



On strong gusts, two large birds appear overhead in grey, pre-dusk skies. The dark, long-necked bodies, with enormous, wide wings, follow currents in a tight loop. Then they soar off, so close that one bird rides the wind only inches above the other




LS's Tip of the week
ESSENTIAL OILS aren't essential unless you're an engine, a gearbox or a twat

The Man Who Speaks In Anagrams

From: Monty Python's Flying Circus



Palin: Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of Blood,

Devastation, Death War and Horror, and later on we'll be

meeting a man who *does* gardening. But first on the show

we've got a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.



Idle: Taht si crreoct.



Palin: Do you enjoy it?



Idle: I stom certainly od. Revy chum so.



Palin: And what's your name?



Idle: Hamrag - Hamrag Yatlerot.



Palin: Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show. Now, where

do you come from?



Idle: Bumcreland.



Palin: Cumberland?



Idle: Stah't it sepricely.



Palin: And I believe you're working on an anagram version of

Shakespeare?



Idle: Sey, sey - taht si crreoct, er - ta the mnemot I'm wroking

on "The Mating of the Wersh".



Palin: "The Mating of the Wersh"? By William Shakespeare?



Idle: Nay, by Malliwi Rapesheake.



Palin: And what else?



Idle: "Two Netlemeng of Verona", "Twelfth Thing","The Chamrent

of Venice"....



Palin: Have you done "Hamlet"?



Idle: "Thamle". 'Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquoi.'



Palin: And what is your next project?



Idle: "Ring Kichard the Thrid".



Palin: I'm sorry?



Idle: 'A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe!'



Palin: Ah, Ring Kichard, yes... but surely that's not an anagram,

that's a spoonerism.



Idle: If you're going to split hairs, I'm going to piss off. (Exit)






LS's Tip of the week
ESSENTIAL OILS aren't essential unless you're an engine, a gearbox or a twat

Bravely bold Sir Robin
Brought forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,
And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off,
And his penis--

Robin (interputing): That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now,
lads. It looks like there's dirty work afoot.

Three headed knight: HALT!!!

Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest
creature for *yards* around!
For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the
onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was
his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his
tactics!

Minstrel: Robin:

Brave Sir Robin ran away. No!
Bravely ran away away.... I didn't!
When Danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled No!!
Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't!
And gallantly chickened out..

Bravely bravely bravely bravely I never did!
Bravely bravely bravely bravely All lies!
Bravely bravely brave Sir Robin! I never!






LS's Tip of the week
ESSENTIAL OILS aren't essential unless you're an engine, a gearbox or a twat

Bedevere stands on a stage in front of a large crowd of wild villagers.



Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her?

Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER!

Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch?

Villager: She looks like one!

Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!!

Bedevere: Bring her forward.



(a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She

is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose,

and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is

closed by the carrot.)



Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!

Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one.

Witch: THEY dressed me up like this.

Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't!

Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!



(Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in

fact rather small.)



Bedevere: Well?

One Villager: Well, we did do the nose.

Bedevere: The nose?

Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch!

Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her!

Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?

Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no...

One Villager: yes.

Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit.

Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart...

Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?

Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!!



(pause)



Bedevere: a newt?



(long pause)



Villager: I got better...

Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER!

Bedevere: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether she

is a witch!

Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us!

Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?

V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!!

Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches?

Villager: More Witches!

Other Villager: Wood.

Bedevere: So. Why do witches burn?



(long silence)

(shuffling of feet by the villagers)



Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood?

Bedevere: Goooood!

Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh....

Bedevere: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?

One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er!

Bedevere: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone?

Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm...

Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?

One Villager: No! No, no, it floats!

Other Villager: Throw her into the pond!

Villagers: yaaaaaa!



(when order is restored)



Bedevere: What also floats in water?

Villager: Bread!

Another Villager: Apples!

Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks!

Another Villager: Cider!

Another Villager: Uh...great gravy!

Another Villager: Cherries!

Another Villager: Mud!

Another Villager: Churches! Churches!

Another Villager: Lead! Lead!

King Arthur: A Duck!

Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh!

Bedevere: exACTly!

Bedevere: (to a villager) So, *logically*...

Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word)

If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood.

Bedevere: and therefore...



(pause)



Villager: A Witch!

All Villagers: A WITCH!





(they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest

scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.)






LS's Tip of the week
ESSENTIAL OILS aren't essential unless you're an engine, a gearbox or a twat

@#$%& hell!

i'll read them tomorrow

the league of gentlemen






THE DENTON FAMILY


[ext. a dark brooding day in the rolling Derbyshire countryside. A sprinter train
is speeding along a track in the valley. An old lady's voice can be heard...]
F1 "Dear Benjamin, we are so glad you are coming to stay with us..."
[int. train carriage. RS (as Ben) is sat reading a letter - the old lady's voice is
seemingly in his head...]
F1 "... if only for the night. I hope that you and your friend enjoy your hiking
Holiday, and don't find our little town too boring. We have never been
camping..."
[RS suddenly purses his lips and looks to his right, with an annoyed expression.
Camera pans out to reveal it's a real little old lady sat next to him reading
the letter(!)]
F1 "... as Uncle Harvey does not get on with chemical toilets."
RS Excuse me! Do you mind? This is private!
[MG (as the tannoy) announces...]
MG We are now approaching Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey, next stop.
This... is the end of the line.
[RS stands up and retrieves his backpack]

2. TUBBS & EDWARD
[ext. moorland. MG (as Martin) can be seen hiking along a muddy track
towards the town. He comes across a sign with the words "WELCOME TO
ROYSTON VASEY - YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE!" Camera pans up to reveal the
town beyond in the distance. Back to MG, close up, as he spies a single
building a short distance away, perched high above the town. The sign on
the side of it reads "LOCAL SHOP"]

3. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.) / BARBARA
[ext. train station, in town. RS (as Ben) is sat on the kerb waiting, and
looking at his watch. RS suddenly stands up, and the camera pans out to
reveal the sign for the station is "THE LAST STOP". A lurid pink taxi with
"BABS CABS" on the side pulls up. RS puts his rucksack in the boot. PH
(as Barbara, but speaking with SP's voice overdubbed) gruffly asks...]
SP Where to, pal?
[RS gets in the back of the taxi]
RS Swan Mills estate, please.
SP Right-ho.

[int. taxi. The "woman" driver has very hairy arms and legs...]
SP Are y'ere for work or pleasure?
RS Pleasure, I suppose. I'm staying with relatives and I'm going hiking with a
friend.
SP Oh, it's a nice part o' town is Swan Mills. Lovely shops. It's where I get my
dresses from.
[RS notices Barbara's hairy legs for the first time]
SP The thing is - they know me there, now. I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins'
once me bust started showin', y'know.
RS Oh.
[int. close up of Barbara's hairy open neckline, with a gold "Barbara" pendant
dangling around her neck]
SP I've only been on the 'ormones eighteen months. Me nipples are like bullets.

[INTRO, THEME MUSIC STARTS]

4. BARBARA (cont.) / CHINNERY
[ext. T-junction. The Local Shop can be seen (thanks to CGI) high up on the
moors, overlooking the town. The pink taxi approaches, and drives past. PH
greets MG (as Chinnery), who is cycling up the road]
SP Morning, Dr Chinnery!
MG Morning, Sandra!
[MG waves to a fat man posting a letter in a talking red postbox. SP (as the
electronic voice of the postbox) says...]
SP Thank you for posting your letter inside me!
[MG carries on cycling, narrowly missing a dog crossing the road. Camera
pans up to show MG cycling down the hill, revealing the town's inhabitants
going about their business. At the top of the arc, an angel holding a crown
of thorns looks down on the town]

5. HILARY, MAURICE & SAM / GEOFF, MIKE & BRIAN
[ext. butchers. MG is now cycling past "H. BRISS & SON". We see SP and RS
(as Geoff and Mike) walking the other way. As they go past one house, a
woman throws a bucket of soapy water on to the pavement, narrowly
missing them. They turn in surprise, but say nothing and carry on walking.
As they get to the butcher's, MG (as Hilary) also throws out a bucket out of
his doorway. But it's not soapy water - it's blood and offal! RS gets the
most of it, all over his lower trousers and shoes. (NB: watch out for this link
later!) Camera pans up to reveal the two rather annoyed looking men. MG
folds his arms, and offers a somewhat insincere apology...]
MG Sorry, lads.
[MG spies an old lady across the road, tending her flower stall, "Fleur de Lee's
of Royston Vasey". F1 waves across the road to MG. A sign in the flowers
reads "EVERYTHING MUST GO"]

6. HENRY & ALLY
[SP and RS (as Henry and Ally) try to go into the video shop, but crash into the
door instead...]
RS Locked!
SP Aww, come on!
[the camera pans right to reveal a flyer stapled to the lamp-post, which has
a picture of a hand with an arrow pointing to a circled digit. Underneath are
the words "LOST! Have you seen my finger? 01484 469885".]

[EPISODE ONE - WELCOME TO ROYSTON VASEY]

7. BERNICE
[ext. street. A Daimler hearse drives under the camera's POV, past Bernice's
church with a sign outside which reads "SALVATION - JESUS IS IT!" There
is a name spelled out in wreaths of flowers along the side of the coffin. It
reads "BASTARD"]

8. TUBBS & EDWARD (cont.)
[ext. Local Shop, high up on the moors. MG (as Martin) is approaching the
front door. A bell softly tinkles as he steps inside. Close up of his red
hiking boots. MG looks around, and picks up a snowstorm bubble, shakes it,
and puts it down again. From behind the door blind, SP (as Tubbs) spies
on him for a while, before getting the courage to come out into the shop.
MG has his back to her, examining a teddy bear...]
SP Yes?
MG Oh! I'm sorry. Are you... open?
[SP's head is nervously waving about]
SP Yes! Can I help you at all?
MG Oh - no thanks! I'm just... just looking.
[pause as MG carries on looking around the shop. SP watches him from
behind the counter, before creeping up on him and surprising him at the
comb rack]
SP I haven't seen you before! Are you local?
MG No - I'm, er, meeting up with a friend, actually. Going hiking. Cheerio!
[MG makes for the door, but SP calls him back]
SP Can I help you at all?
MG Well - yes, actually. I was wondering how much this snowstorm was?
[MG picks up the snowstorm again]
SP Aaaaaargh! What are you doing?
MG Sorry!
[MG hastily replaces it on the shelf again, as SP comes panting around behind
the counter, picks up the snowstorm and hugs it tightly, stroking it]
SP Don't touch the things! This is local shop! For local people! There's
nothing for you, here!
MG I can pay!
[MG makes to retrieve his wallet from inside his jacket]
SP Keep your hands where I can see them!
[MG dutifully raises both hands, in a "I surrender" fashion]
SP I have a husband, you know!
[SP points to the back of the shop]
SP He's upstairs - he's sure to hear everything! If you were to... come back
here and... touch my...
[SP starts rubbing her breasts, lost in fantasy]
MG No, I...
[SP suddenly snaps out of her reverie]
SP EDWARD! EDWARD!
[RS (as Edward) appears from the back of the shop, and looks accusingly at
MG]
RS Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no
trouble, here!
SP I caught him stealing from the shop!
[MG tries to defend himself, hands still in the air, but RS continues...]
RS Who is he? Is his identity known?
SP He's not local!
RS Look here, we're very proud of our town. This is a decent town, and a
local shop. We'll have no trouble, here.
SP He asked me to open the till!
MG No!
SP He has a plan! He covets the precious things of the shop!
[SP holds up the snowstorm as evidence]
RS Oh. Tea leaf, eh?
[RS starts to walk around the counter to MG]
RS You people are all alike. You march in here - young! - try and touch the...
local things. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans
of paint! Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement!
[pause MG looks thoroughly fed up - SP is enjoying it!]
RS I've got your number, fellah! You won't get far!
SP He tried to see under my clothes!
[MG looks incredulous]
RS Pervert, eh? Sex! On the brain! Wet the bed, I'll bet - as a boy?
[RS turns for an aside to SP]
RS (No sisters!)
[RS walks around to MG's right side, looking closely up at him]
RS I used to be in a war! I put paid to a few like you! This is a decent
town, and a local shop! There's nothing for you, here!
SP Tell him I can't have babies, anyway!
[MG rolls his eyes, disbelieving what he's hearing. RS looks pained]
SP Tell him my insides are all wrong!
[SP and RS are almost sobbing now]
RS Devil! Go on, then! Take the precious things of the shop! Burn
down our home! Rape our dead MOUTHS!
[MG's face looks like thunder]
RS So long as I don't have to listen to any more of this disgusting babble!
[MG finally loses it, and rounds on RS, shouting...]
MG LOOK! I'm sorry, if I've done anything to upset or offend either of
you! I just wanted to come in here and browse your bloody SHOP!
[SP recoils in horror at MG's outburst, RS looks down silently at the floor]
MG If you don't mind, I'll just... leave quietly.
[MG makes for the door, but RS bars his way]
RS Graaargh!
[RS looks at SP, MG looks puzzled]
RS You... heard the man, Tubbs?
[SP says nothing, as RS grins]
RS Get undressed.
[SP looks overjoyed, and starts tugging at her blouson and cardigan, rubbing
her breasts again]

9. BARBARA (cont.)
[ext. Hadfield. The pink taxi is driving through a housing estate, in the rain]
SP Yeah - it's quite a straightforward operation, really. Basically, they split the
penis in two...
[RS (as Ben) nods uncomfortably in the back seat]
SP ... and invert it, using the membrane to form a sort of...
[they drive past the Job Centre]

10. PAULINE, MICKEY & ROSS
[int. Job Centre. SP (as Pauline) comes bouncing down the stairs...]
SP Hokey-cokey-pig-in-a-pokey! (Ahem!)
[SP clears her throat, and puts her things on her desk]
SP Hello, gents! Ooh! It's half past nine! Time for men - men with jobs -
to go to work!
[SP hangs her bag and coat up]
SP Other men... stay in bed 'til dinner-time, watching tots TV, thinking about
how worthless and pathetic they are.
[SP turns to address the sad bunch directly]
SP Good morning, job seekers.
[there is no reply from the men, though a few look up from their desks]
SP Now, we were thinking yesterday - weren't we - about jobs.
[SP holds her clipboard up, pointing to what's written on the Nobo board]
D'you remember? And what did we conclude? Hmm?
[silence from the group. RS (as Ross), grudgingly concedes...]
RS There aren't any.
[SP looks slightly aggrieved, and corrects RS...]
SP No, Ross - we concluded, there are so many jobs out there, we need to
know what our options are. Hmm?
[SP helpfully points to the words "JOB OPTIONS" written on the Nobo board]
SP So, today, we're going to have a little... brain storming session.
[SP goes over to perch on MG's (as Mickey) desk, to confide...]
SP (Don't worry, Mickey love - it doesn't hurt.)
[MG grins inanely at her, as SP stands up again]
SP First up, who can tell me, what this is? Hmm?
[SP holds up a thick blue felt pen. MG hurriedly hangs his head down again]
RS It's a pen.
SP Yes, Ross - it's a pen! One of Pauline's pens. And me and Mr Pen, we're
going for a little walk...
[SP waltzes around the room, waving said pen in the air]
SP ... down the High Street. Where we're going to see lots and lots of people,
doing lots and lots of jobs.
[RS mutters an aside to MG...]
RS (Not our High Street, then.)
[SP is looking out of the window, into the town]
SP Ooh, look - there's Mr Pastry! What d'you think his job could be, gents?
[a tired voice from the back calls out...]
M1 Baker.
[an animated SP waltzes back to the Nobo board]
SP Yes, good. Baker. So I'm gonna write that up on the board. B-A-K-E-R.
And then... ooh! Look who's over there!
[SP points to a corner of the room]
SP It's Mr... Cabbages. And his job is?
[SP cups a hand to her ear, expectantly, and an enthusiastic MG calls out...]
MG Fireman!
SP No, Mickey love - he is a g-r-e-e-n-g-r-o-c-e-r.
[SP writes "GROCER" on the board as she's speaking]
SP But... his good friend is Mr Flames! And he is a... ?
MG Greengrocer!
[pause as MG's face drops, and SP corrects him...]
SP No...
[another disinterested voice from the back calls out...]
M2 Fireman.
SP Good! Come on, gents! Shout more jobs out! Let's get a list going!
[SP waves her hand, encouragingly. All except MG have their heads bowed]
MG FIREMAN!
SP Yeah - we've got that one, Mickey love.
[SP points and snaps her fingers towards RS, who reluctantly mutters...]
RS Newsagents.
SP Good!
[SP turns to furiously scribble the job title on the board, but RS continues to
call out...]
RS Policeman. Carpet fitter.
[SP turns round to address them]
SP Yes, that is a job - isn't it?
RS Doctor. Vet. Tennis player.
M2 Football player.
SP Just a minute, gents! T-e-n-n-i-s p-l-a-y-e-r.
MG Fireman!
RS Window cleaner. Gardener. Architect.
SP Yes, slow down!
[RS keeps spitting out jobs. SP is unable to keep up]
RS Tinker. Tailor. Solider. Spy. Butcher. Baker. Candlestick maker.
SP Yeah, I think...
RS Fisherman. BUILDER. LABOURER.
SP Yeah - all right, clever dick!
[pause as SP chunters his tongue against her bottom lip, annoyed at RS]
SP That's enough, now.
[pause for a few more chunters before RS blurts out...]
RS AN ASTRONAUT!
SP PISS OFF!
[slight pause, before SP rounds on RS]
SP You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross - you're never going to
bloody get one, you worthless dole scum!
[pause as SP hovers in front of RS, chuntering away before recovering herself,
and gently asking MG...]
SP Can you think of a job, Mickey love?
MG Yeah!
[MG hands SP a letter]
SP Aww - you see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell job, but at least
he tries.
[SP starts to read the letter, while MG tries to prove he can spell job...]
MG Juh... oh...
[MG can't get any further, and starts counting his fingers]
SP What's this? "Dear Mr Mickey, we would like you to come in for an
interview this afternoon?"
RS Oh, that's brilliant, Mickey - what's it for?
[MG turns to SP and happily announces - guess what?...]
MG Fireman!
[pause as SP looks horrifed]

11. BARBARA (cont.) / THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)
[ext. street. the pink taxi is now approaching the Dentons' house]
SP It's not so bad, once you've been shaved and marked up wi' lipstick, y'know.
Course, they won't know about lubrication 'til they've opened me up.
[pause as RS gets out, and retrieves his rucksack from the boot]

12. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)
[ext. house. RS approaches MG (as Val) waiting for him at the front door]
RS Hello, Aunty Val!
MG Benjamin! Come inside. Quickly. Quickly.
[pause as MG shuts the door, then turns to direct RS through the house]
MG Through here, Benjamin, please.
RS Oh, thank you, Aunty Val. Very, er, kind of you to let me stay.
[RS and MG enter the living room. It is decorated in hideous 70's kitsch
wallpaper. There are clear plastic protective covers over the backs of the
settee and chairs. Forty seven decorative frogs of one type or another
adorn the room. Five porcelain ones are lined up on the coffee table]
MG Oh, not at all, not at all. I was only saying to your Uncle Harvey over
breakfast, we don't see enough of your side of the family.
[RS deposits his rucksack on one of the easy chairs. MG looks suitably
pained, picks up a piece of spare bubble wrap off the coffee table,
and places it under RS's rucksack. RS watches, and nods politely]
MG Now, whilst you're staying with us, we want you to relax. Come and go as
you please, and...
[MG adjusts the porcelain frogs, making sure they're all perfectly in line]
MG ... treat this place just like your own home.
RS Well, I am only staying one night.
MG I know, I know.
RS And I do have to meet Martin, later.
MG Absolutely.
[MG invites RS to sit down on the settee. RS is half way down, when...]
MG Oh.
RS What is it?
MG Well, it's just a little thing, but... in this house, we do ask that you leave your
shoes in the front porch.
RS Oh!
[SP's (as Harvey) voice can be heard as he approaches from the hallway...]
SP Who's left muddy foot prints all over the lobby carpet?
RS Sorry! That was me. Sorry.
SP Ah, Benjamin - it's just that in this house...
[SP proffers his hand to RS, who shakes it]
SP ... we leave our shoes in the front porch. Underneath the barometer.
RS Ah, yes - sorry about that.
[RS looks suitably chastened]
MG I was just explaining to Benjamin, Harvey, that whilst he's staying with us,
we want him to relax, and treat this place just like his own home.
SP Of course, of course.
[SP looks over the rim of glasses at RS, and says sternly...]
SP Take your shoes off.
[pause as RS duly obliges, then SP wags a finger at him, and directs him out of
the room...]
SP This way. Good.
[all three walk to the front porch. RS places his shoes directly underneath
the barometer]
MG We thought that...
SP Not there! There.
[RS moves the shoes three inches to the left]
SP Left a bit. And the... right one closer to the left.
[RS tries to oblige, but doesn't get it quite right enough for SP, who sighs...]
SP That'll do.
[they walk back towards the living room, with MG pointing to the cupboard
under the stairs.
MG We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa bed. You'll have your
own shower and W.C.
SP Into which we don't pass solids.
[pause as RS wonders just how he can go to the toilet without...]
MG A-and you won't have the girls running in and out every five minutes.
RS Oh, well.. that sounds great.
SP Of course, I shall be inconvenienced, as this room serves as my study,
but...
[SP picks up RS's ruck sack]
SP ... I can stay late at the office.
RS Oh, well if it's any trouble, then...
SP No.
[slight pause before SP menacingly says...]
SP It's fine.
[SP walks out of the room, RS sits on the settee, and immediately gets up
again to follow MG into the kitchen]
MG Well, there are just one or two other things I'll have to explain so you'll feel
absolutely at home. Firstly, the keys.
[MG dangles a small bunch of keys at RS, who holds his hand out...]
RS Oh.
[... but instead of giving them to RS, MG opens a cupboard by the sink
instead. Revealing row upon row of keys]
MG Now, they're all colour coded - so it shouldn't take you too long.
[RS hangs his head]

13. GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN (cont.)
[ext. small business forecourt: "PLASTIC INJECTION MOULDINGS CO. LTD".
SP (as Mike) and RS (as Geoff) walk out of the building]
SP ... y'see - this is what I'm sayin', Geoff. There won't be any work if they
don't get on with this... bloody road.
RS Eh?
SP Well, we're dyin' on our arses, 'ere.
[RS turns round to call to a non-existant MG (as Brian)...]
RS It'll be all right. COME ON, BRIAN! WE'VE ONLY GOT AN HOUR FOR
DINNER, Y'KNOW!

[ext. alley. SP and RS are making for the Mason's Arms pub]
RS God, he's bloody deaf, 'im.
SP Well - y'know what they say, Geoff.
[slight pause - Geoff's lower trousers are splashed in red. (Remember?)]
RS What?
[SP mumbles something, smiling to himself]
RS Eh?
[SP mumbles again, a little longer this time, still grinning to himself]
RS I can't 'ear ya!
[MG's head appears around the corner, and he runs up to them]
SP I said... BUMMERS ARE DEAF! Ah!
RS Ah-ha! Ah, yeah - it's a good one, that - in't it?
SP I fell for it an' all!
[SP walks a little further ahead of RS and MG]
MG Sorry, lads. Er, gettin' that table for tonight.
RS All right. Eh, er, Brian...
[a little thug throws a milk bottle behind their feet, just missing them]
RS ... y'know what they say, don't ya?
MG What?
RS Bummers are deaf.
MG What d'you mean?
RS Well, they're deaf - aren't they?
[RS and MG stop briefly, as RS labours his point to a puzzled MG]
RS Bummers... are deaf.
[RS starts to cross the road. MG follows shortly after]
MG I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.
RS Well, I don't. Mike said it. He was really laughin'.
[RS and MG follow SP into the pub]

14. CHINNERY
[ext. country lane. MG (as Chinnery) is cycling up to a farm house, in the
best "All Creatures Great and Small" tradition. SP (as Tinsel) comes out to
greet him]
MG Afternoon.
SP It's just through 'ere, vit'nary.
[int. hallway. SP directs MG into the house and down the hall]
MG Right-ho.
SP Yer a good lad. Thanks fer comin' at such short notice.
MG Not at all.
SP She's in 'er basket. I know she won't suffer wi' you, Mr Chinnery.
[int. back room, straight out of the 1930's. In the foreground, a collie is
sleeping in a basket. A tearful SP sniffs into his handkerchief, then goes
out of the room]
SP I won't be a minute.
MG Right.
[SP turns and goes over to the mutt, patting it on it's head]
MG Hello. Hello, old girl. On your last legs, you old trooper? Well, never mind.
Had a good innings, eh? Chased a few cats? Chewed a few bones?
[MG is fishing something out of his bag - it's a syringe]
MG Well... won't be in pain much longer.
[MG squirts some fluid out the end of the needle]
MG Don't mind this. Just a silly little needle.
[MG makes to inject the dog - who whines a little...]
MG There we go. Shhh! Good dog. There. Shhh.
[MG gently lowers the dogs head down]
MG Off to the land of nod, eh?
[SP appears at the door, struggling to carry a fat spaniel in his arms]
SP 'ere she is, vit'nary. By, that tumour puts another 'alf stone on 'er.
MG Who've you got there, then?
SP It's Blacko. The poorly one. The one I want puttin' down, y'know.
[MG starts to look a little worried, and licks his lips heavily]
MG Er... and this one? The... the, er, sleeping one? By the fire?
SP Whisky? My little angel, she is. My little princess. Aren't you, chick?
[unsurprisingly, there is no response from "Whisky"]
MG Really. Right.
[MG stands up again. SP can't understand why there's no response]
SP Whisky? Whisky?
[pause]
MG I wonder if you'd take a seat, Mr Tinsel. I've some... rather upsetting news.
[SP looks confused]

15. PAULINE, MICKEY AND ROSS (cont.)
[ext. establishing shot, outside the Job Centre. From inside we hear...]
SP So, job seekers - when we think about what skills you've got. We can
narrow this list of job options down to...
[SP is busy crossing off job titles from the Nobo board with the blue pen,
before ringing a couple]
SP ... baby sitter, and... bramble picker! (Dunno where that one came from!)
Right. I'm gonna dish me pens out again.
[SP wanders to the back of the room. MG holds his left arm out for RS]
MG (What time is it, Ross?)
RS (You've got a watch, Mickey!)
SP Colin? No chewing on them, this time - all right?
MG (I know, but what time is it?)
[RS mutters, utterly disinterested...]
RS (Quarter past four.)
MG Right.
[MG stands up, gets his jacket off the back of his chair, and makes to leave.
But his attempted escape does not go unnoticed...]
SP Erm - just a sec? Where d'you think you're goin'?
[a happy MG smiles and proudly says...]
MG Interview!
SP You're goin' nowhere, buster. Sit down.
[a crestfallen MG hangs his head, and slowly makes his way back to his chair]
SP Right, job seekers - as I was saying, I want you to take a look at this list...
RS Just a second - how's he gonna get a job if you don't let him go for his
interview?
[SP thinks quickly for a moment, then points at the board]
SP How's he goin' to get an interview, if he doesn't know his job options?
RS He's already got an interview!
SP Ross - that is not my responsibility. My "responsibility" is to turn all of you
into Job Seekers. Where would I be if you all got work before the end of
this course?
M2 On the dole.
SP Exactly! I'd be sat 'ere, next to Mr Waddylove, stinkin' o' @!#$! This is my
job we're talkin' about!
RS No, it's not - it's MICKEY'S job! You go, Mickey!
[MG gets up again, but only manages a couple of steps towards the door...]
SP M-i-c-k-e-y?
[MG stops momentarily, before RS shouts some further encouragement]
RS GO!
SP Mickey!
[a confused MG stops in his tracks]
SP If you walk out o' that door, I will have no option but to stop your benefits.
[one quick chunter, while MG looks upset]
SP Yeah. Both claims.
RS She can't do that!
[SP gently challenges...]
SP Try me.
MG Uh, please, Pauline - I feel confident!
SP Well you look ridiculous! I know they've put monkeys in space, but d'you
really think they'll 'ave one drivin' a fire engine? Sit down!
RS Go!
[MG hangs his head, and shuffles back into his seat. SP looks triumphant.
RS looks disgusted at SP's manipulation]
SP That's right, Mickey love - you stick to what you know, eh?
[slight pause as RS screws his face up behind SP's back]
MG Pauline's right. I am stupid.
[now RS looks disgusted with MG too]
SP Right, the rest of you! I want you to split yourselves into two groups:
baby sitters and bramble pickers... and we're gonna look at the second
stage: "Getting an interview".

16. BARBARA (cont.) / GEOFF, MIKE & BRIAN (cont.)
[ext. street. The pink taxi is driving up a hill. RS's (as Geoff) voice can be
heard from the back seat]
RS Barbara - are bummers deaf?
SP No idea.
RS Dunno why I'm askin' you. You're a woman.
SP Not quite, Geoff. They've to open me up first, along the base of the
scrotum, and then they...
[RS winces]

17. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)
[int. upstairs bathroom. MG is now reciting the scissor rhyme to RS...]
MG ... black for paper, chrome for string, blue ones from this hook do swing! We
keep them clean, don't be mistaken, for kitchen jobs, like trimming bacon!
RS Right, well I'd better be off. I'm meeting Martin at six o'clock.
[RS makes to leave, but MG intercepts him]
MG And then there's the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for
torso, thighs and seat! And in the cupboard beneath the stair...
[SP enters the bathroom, in a bathrobe, carrying a red towel]
SP ... you'll find the rrr-red for pubic hair.
MG Tee-hee-hee!
[RS smiles unconvincingly]
MG Well, I think that's covered just about everything. Er, you might want to
relax. Perhaps you would like to see Harvey's toads?
RS Er... what?
SP I breed toads for a hobby.
RS Really.
[SP removes his robe, revealing his extended belly. His white T-shirt is
tucked inside his extra large Y-fronts]
RS Oh, well, er, the thing is, I'm meant to be meeting Martin, um, later...
SP Protrachianism is a most rewarding past-time. Er, we thought we'd give you
a tour of the amphibarium, and then - if you're very good - I'll let you stroke
my greenback.
[RS looks less than impressed at this offer, and mistakenly enquires...]
RS Oh, um, but don't toads give you warts?
MG (Oh!)
[pause as MG breathes in sharply, and looks away. SP looks murderously at
RS, before correcting him...]
SP YOU MAY GIVE A TOAD A WART, BUT A TOAD MAY NOT GIVE A WART TO
YOU!
MG I'll just... go and put the kettle on.
[pause as MG creeps around the back of SP, who is still staring down a
chastened RS]
RS Well, I'd better, er...
[RS makes for the bathroom door, but SP blocks him, and slides the bolt over.
SP then leans in to whisper in RS's ear...]
SP While the wee wife's away, just a... few words on the subect of onanism.
[RS uncomfortably backs away a little, then SP directs him to sit on the lid
of the loo]
SP In this house, we don't masturbate.
[RS looks incredulous. SP stalks over to RS and puts a hand on his shoulder]
SP It's not a very pleasant thing to do. Particularly with two young girls running
around, now is it?
RS (No.)
SP I'd hate to think of either Chloe or Radcliffe... tearing downstairs, first thing
in the morning, only to find you, hunched double on the sofa bed...
[pause as SP sits on the edge of the bath. RS pulls a face]
SP ... pumping your fist. So... while you're a guest with us, er, if you could
reign in those baser instincts - if you don't mind, Benjamin, please?
RS No, that's... fine.
[RS turns to his left. There are two toilet roll holders next to the toilet. One
is marked "1's", the other "2's"]
SP Good!
[SP gets up, unlocks and opens the door . MG reappears carrying a tea tray]
MG Everything hunky-dory? Good. I'm so glad it's all sorted.
[SP retreives the two mugs, and gives one to RS. MG walks out of the bath
room, casually commenting...]
MG Semen is such a persistant stain.
[RS looks even more uncomfortable]

18. GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN (cont.)
[ext. establishing shot, outside "SHEBABS" indian restaurant. From inside, we
can hear RS's voice shouting for service...]
RS OI! THREE BLUEBIRDS, PLEASE!

[int. restaurant. SP, RS and MG are sat around a table]
RS Oh, he's bloody deaf, 'im.
SP Well - y'know what they say, Geoff.
RS What?
[SP wags a finger at RS, who finally clocks on. SP and MG laugh]
RS Oh yeah, all right, all right!
[pause as all three laugh. The waiter approaches with three pints on a tray]
RS Eh, Brian... tell Mike mau-mau.
MG You what?
RS You know. That one about the mau-mau.
MG Oh, I can't remember that, Geoff - you tell him.
RS No, you can. Eh, Mike - Danny Taurus told us this joke, up at the Con Club,
an' it's the funniest bloody joke. Tell it, Bri.
MG Me?
RS Yeah, go on.
MG All right. There's these three fellahs.
RS Yeah. Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.
MG Englishman, Irishman, Scotchman. They get lost in the desert...
RS Jungle.
MG Is it?
RS Yeah! Go on.
MG All right. They get lost in the jungle. They get killed by these cannibals...
RS No, not yet! You missed the whole bloody joke out, you idiot!
MG Well, I can't remember it, Geoff! You tell him!
RS No, you CAN!
SP It's all right - I'm not bothered, actually.
[SP gets up to off to the gents, but RS orders him back]
RS No, well, SIT DOWN!
SP Eh?
RS Sit down.
[pause as SP stands still for a moment, then does as RS says and sits down]
RS He's tellin' a joke.
[slight pause, then RS coaches MG]
RS Now - just remember what the end is, then go back.
MG Right... there's an Englishman...
RS Fruit.
MG What?
[slight pause]
RS It's the fruit.
[slight pause as MG thinks for a moment, then exclaims...]
MG Oh!
RS He remembers it, now!
MG Oh, right, right! Englishman, Irishman, all right? They've got to go out
into the jungle, pick ten pieces of fruit, and bring 'em back. So they bring
'em back, and the Chief says, "So, Englishman..."
RS Do - the - voice.
[slight pause as RS stares down MG, who hangs his head before complying]
MG The Chief says, "So, Englishman - now you must choose between death
or mau-mau. The Englishman says, "We Englishmen do not bow to
savages! I'll choose mau-mau!" So they grab him, an' they stick the ten
pieces of fruit up his arse!
RS Yeah - what did he pick?
MG Oh, the Englishman chose... cherries!
RS Cherries! Can y'imagine that, Mike? Ten cherries stuffed up yer arse?
Cherries are only really small, though - aren't they?
[pause as RS stares expectantly at MG, then proffers some encouragement...]
RS Go on, Bri.
MG Oh, right. Yeah, so the, er, Chief turns to the Scotchman and says, er,
"Death or mau-mau?" Scotchman says, "Mau-mau", an' he... oh... what's
the... Scotchman's fruit, Geoff? Is it banana?
RS No, it's smaller than that. Just a sec.
[RS raises his hand to his head, deep in thought. MG mistakenly carries on...]
MG Well, let's just say for now...
RS IT'S TOO BIG! It spoils the next one!
[MG hangs his head for a moment, chastened]
MG Apple!
RS NO!
SP Strawberries?
RS WHAT, IN THE JUNGLE?
[pause]
RS No, just think what it is for a minute.
[pause]
SP Eh, Bri - why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
MG Dunno.
SP 'cause the parrots-eat-'em-all!
[slight pause as MG laughs]
SP D'you get it?
MG Yeah, I'd 'ave said para-cet-amol.
[slight pause as SP looks aggrieved]
SP Well, either way, I think it works - you know?
[RS still has his faced screwed up, deep in contemplation]

19. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)
[int. basement, the amphibarium. SP is showing RS his collection of toads]
SP As you can see.. the horned toad requires only three droplets on a slice
of moist bread.
RS Only three? Well, look - the thing is - I'm meant to be meeting my friend
Martin, so...
[SP grabs RS's arm and leads him across to some more glass tanks]
SP Moving on... Zenaphus Liaphis, is a completely different species
altogether...

20. GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN (cont.)
[int. restaurant. The three are still sat around their table. SP and MG are
talking - but RS's face is screwed up, silent. SP and MG are on their
dessert, having obviously had their meal in the mean time...]
SP I mean, the thing you've gotta remember, Brian, everyone's banking on this
road - what if it doesn't happen?
MG Oh, I thought it was a dead cert?
SP Well, you can't say that.
[RS suddenly springs in to life, and bangs the table, shouting...]
RS PLUMS!
[slight pause as MG looks up from eating his dessert]
MG You what?
RS THEY'RE PLUMS! Come on!
SP Oh, Geoff - it doesn't matter now!
RS COURSE IT BLOODY MATTERS! HE'S RIGHT NEAR THE END!
[slight pause]
RS THERE'S ONLY THE BLOODY IRISHMAN LEFT! Come on, Brian! The Chief
turns to the Irishman an' he says, "Death or mau-mau?"
[SP points jokingly at RS]
SP You didn't do the voice!
RS DUN'T MATTER! FINISH IT!
MG I can't remember it!
[RS points a warning finger at MG, and orders...]
RS Finish it!
MG Geoff, I cant remember it!
[RS sobs...]
RS P-l-e-a-s-e!
MG I honestly can't remember!
[RS breaks down, hangs his head down, sobbing, then cries...]
RS IT'S JUST A BIG BLOODY JOKE TO YOU, IN'T IT?
[slight pause]
RS INNIT? YEAH, GEOFF CAN'T TELL A JOKE! GEOFF IS A JOKE! GEOFF
ENTERS A TALENT COMPETITION AN' LOSES?
[pause]
RS ME MAM SAID I WOULD WIN!
[pause]
RS I WAS ON'Y EIGHT!
[RS suddenly leaps up, and pulls something out of his jacket...]
RS YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN, DON'T YA?
[... and waves it back and forth between SP and MG]
RS OH, YOU'RE ALL LISTENING NOW, EH? WELL YOU... ARE GONNA TELL THIS
JOKE... AN' WE'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH!
[RS instructs the last part to all the diners, who dive for cover, before
putting the pistol to SP's head...]
RS OR ELSE HE GETS IT! ALL RIGHT BRIAN?
MG ALL RIGHT, GEOFF! JESUS! CALM DOWN! I'LL FINISH THE JOKE!
[RS holds a rather frightened SP by the collar]
MG Er... the Chief... turns to the Irishman and says, "D-death or mau-mau?"...
and... the Irishman looks at his fruit...
[RS temporarily breaks away from holding SP hostage to wave the gun at MG]
RS PINEAPPLE! PINEAPPLE! PINEAPPLE!
MG AARGH! AARGH! ARGH!
SP GROOOGH!
[MG's "Irish" accent is risible...]
MG The Irishman looks at his pineapples, and he says... "I don't think I could stand
the mau-mau - I'll choose death!" And the Chief says to him...
[pause as MG struggles to remember the rest of the joke. A worried SP
glances over to MG as RS cocks the trigger and places the barrel against
SP's temple. SP manages to croak out...]
SP (Get it right, Brian!)
[slight pause as MG puts his hands together in prayer...]
MG The Chief... says to the Irishman...
[pause before MG shakes his head, and puts his fist to his mouth...]
MG I can't remember!
[SP quietly prompts MG...]
SP (He says, "Death - by - mau-mau!"
[pause before RS releases his grip, lowers the pistol, and says...]
RS Oh, 'ave you 'eard it?
SP Yeah.
RS It's good, though - in't it?
MG Yeah, yeah.
SP Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[RS sits back down, and the rest of the diners breath a sigh of relief and go
back to their meals... RS holds up his empty glass and shouts...]
RS OI! THREE BLUEBIRDS!

21. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)
[ext. street, at night. RS has finally escaped, and is waiting for his friend.
Nearby, MG (as Mickey) is playing with a remote-control fire engine]
RS Excuse me - you haven't seen someone waiting here, have you?
MG What do they look like?

22. TUBBS & EDWARD (cont.)
[int. local shop. Scots policeman MG is showing SP (as Tubbs) a photo of
Martin the hiker...]
MG Twenty eight years old, brown hair. Name of Martin Reith.
[camera pans down to reveal SP is wearing a pair of bright red hiking boots...]
MG I found the wallet outside the shop. Has he been in today?
SP No! I don't know anything!
[slight pause]
SP Now if you'll excuse me, officer - the shop is local.
MG Well, er, perhaps your husband saw something. Is he on the premises?
SP He's... up the stairs... cleansing the precious things of the shop. He... can't
walk, you see. And.. he's blind.
[just at that moment, a very mobile and bespectacled RS enters through
the shop door. He's wearing a water bottle on his chest, and a large hiking
pack on his back...]
RS Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no
trouble, here.
MG Are you the proprietor?
RS Yes, yes.
MG Well, your wife said you were up the stairs, sir.
[slight pause]
RS I... slipped out, Tubbs. For a... walk. Didn't want to disturb... you. Fine
evening. The town. We're very proud.
[SP holds the photo so RS can see it]
SP He's looking for a boy!
RS Puffter, eh?
[RS sidles up to an annoyed MG, who is struggling to remain collected...]
RS Little bummer boy? Come across your type before in the Forces. You won't
catch me with my trousers down!
MG Sir, I'm here on police business. I found this boy's wallet.
RS Local boy?
SP He's not from our town!
[RS joins SP behind the counter]
RS Ah, do we know his parents?
SP I said, "We've never seen him before"! (Did Tubbs do right?)
[RS takes the photo from SP and studies it]
RS You did it beautifully, Tubbs!
[slight pause before RS and SP turn to MG]
RS There's your answer, sir. Never seen this... boy before. Now, if you will
excuse us - we've a shop to run.
[RS hands the photo back to an unconvinced MG]
MG Yes, of course. Thank you for your co-operation. Good evening.
[pause as MG makes his own way to the door. Just as he's about to step
outside, SP blurts out...]
SP WE DIDN'T BURN HIM!
[... which stops MG in his tracks, then comes back into the shop. RS looks
disappointed with SP, who hangs her head low...]
MG I beg your pardon?

[START OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]

RS You're not from around here, are you? The, er, local bobby we're used to.
You see, Tubbs - my wife - Tubbs and I, we know everyone around
here. The people don't change, we... don't like... change.
SP We don't even give change!
RS Strangers come to the shop. To the town. Young, most of them. In
gangs of one or two... they leave gates open, they trample crops.
SP Strangers make the crops fail!
MG And if the crops fail?
RS They must not fail! If the crops fail, the town fails! If the town fails,
the SHOP fails! And that must not happen! We are community!
SP We are legion!
RS We are local!
[slight pause]
MG I think we'd better continue this conversation down at the station, don't you?
[pause as a worried SP fondles the snowstorm for comfort, and looks at RS]
SP Edward?
[pause as RS walks around the counter to stand next to MG]
RS You... heard the man, Tubbs?
[pause as RS shuts the door and changes the sign to "CLOSED"]
RS Get undressed!
[SP takes off her cardigan, suggestively, then starts removing her shirt...]

[END OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]

[ext. establishing shot of the local shop silhoutted at the top of the hill.
A large fire is burning a short distance away from it...]

[ext. close up to the fire now, RS and SP approach it. RS throws a
constable's helmet on to the pyre...]
SP Edward? Will more strangers come?
[RS puts a comforting arm around SP's shoulders...]
RS Calm yourself, Tubbs. None shall come.

[ext. close up of the "ROYSTON VASEY CHRONICLE", burning in the fire. The
headline can still be read: "NEW ROAD PLANNED - STRANGERS EXPECTED"]

[ext. parting shot of RS and SP huddled by the bonfire, overlooking the town]






LS's Tip of the week
ESSENTIAL OILS aren't essential unless you're an engine, a gearbox or a twat

the league of gentlemen episode 2



1. TUBBS & EDWARD
[ext. moorland, overlooking the town. A bird is singing. Two surveyors - MG
(as Mr Wint) and M1 (as Mr Kidd) - are busy at work with their theodolytes
and marker poles...]
MG This is it. Royston Vasey.
M1 These pictures don't do it justice, Mr Wint.
MG Ah, they do not, Mr Wint. But that's before...
[MG points towards the town, then jabs at the glossy brochure (titled "A NEW
ROAD FOR ROYSTON VASEY" that M1's holding. It depicts blue skies and
sunshine, with a couple standing by their car, pointing to the town...]
MG ... and this - is after.
M1 Aye.
[pause as MG looks through the theodolyte, at an out-of-focus view of the
Local Shop, gradually sharpening the image...]
MG Aye-aye.
M1 What is it?
MG You tell me. That's not meant to be there.
[pause as M1 has a look through the device]
M1 Oh, aye. Well - it'll have to go, Mr Wint.
[they start to pack their equipment up]
MG I'm afraid it will, Mr Kidd. Shouldn't think it'll be a problem. I'm sure the
locals are friendly enough.

[ext. close-up of their wellington boots, as the two walk away. Unseen at
in the long grass at their feet, is a skull and a bobby's helmet (cue eerie
violin music)...]

[ext. track. MG and M1 are now some distance along it, making their way
to the shop. In the foreground is the road sign "WELCOME TO ROYSTON
VASEY - YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE!"...]

[INTRO, THEME MUSIC STARTS]

2. CHINNERY
[ext. T-junction. In the distance, high up on the moors, is the Local Shop.
MG (as Chinnery) is patting a child's spaniel on the head. RS (as Al) walks
past them, carrying a bunch of newspapers...]
MG Well... bye, then. Bye-bye.
[MG sets off down the road on his bicycle. Unknown to him, the mutt's lead
has become caught, and he's dragging the poor thing along behind him.
The distraught girl cries out after him, but he doesn't hear...]
G1 Stop! Stop! STOP! STOP!
[as the camera rises to the angel, overlooking the town, we see the two
little girls start to chase after MG, but he's pedalling too fast for them...]

3. IRIS & JUDEE
[ext. Iris's house, on a run-down estate. MG (as Iris) is coming down from
her maisonette. Detritius is scattered all over the place; rubbish, old
tyres, an abandoned car wreck. A girl is practising her handstands, a boy
(no older than four) is smoking a ciggy. MG chastises...]
MG Oi! I've told you before!
[... and snatches the butt away from him, then starts smoking it herself. The
boy pulls a face to her back, and starts urinating on an old rusty gate...]

4. BERNICE
[ext. bottle bank. As MG walks past, we see a Punch and Judy show being
played out from within! Sat nearby, is a small audience of one adult and
three children. RS (as Bernice) walks up, looks puzzled at the small
audience, drops a bottle in, and carries on her way. From inside we hear
an anguished cry of...]
F1 Ow! BASTARD!

[EPISODE TWO - THE ROAD TO ROYSTON VASEY]

5. POP, RICH & AL
[ext. news stand. A Royston Vasey Chronicle headline notice reads "TOWN TO
GET NEW ROAD". RS (as AL) is busy tending it. Another notice reads "ED
STEWART'S BREATH STINKS". A man walks up, and hands RS a flyer. RS
pins it up immediately. It has a picture of an old woman, and reads "LOST:
GRANDMA BRADLEY. ANSWERS TO THE NAME 'NANA'. PLEASE RING 01484
514717"]

6. THE DENTON FAMILY
[ext. Denton's residence. The net curtains twitch inside...]

[int. Denton's front room. It was MG (as Val) opening the curtains. RS (as
Ben) is asleep on the sofa, under an orange duvet]
MG Good morning, Benjamin!
RS (Mm-nn-rr...)
[MG whisks the duvet away, revealing RS in his underpants and vest - which
wakes him up sharply. He tries feebly to cover himself with his hands...]
RS Oh, er - morning, Aunty Val.
[SP (as Harvey) strides in, behind RS, and loudly enquires...]
SP Did you sleep all right?
[RS shrinks away slightly]
RS Oh - yes. Thanks.
[SP is studying the floor around RS. He's wearing a pair of white latex gloves,
and snapping away with a pair of plastic salad tongs...]
SP Any used tissues you need to dispose of?
[slight pause as RS looks incredulous. MG is busy dusting the plastic covers]
RS No!
MG How did you get on last night? Did you meet your friend?
[MG - who is also wearing a pair of latex gloves - moves RS forward so she
can dust behind his back]
RS No, I... I must've missed him.
[SP starts spraying detergent behind RS, causing him to cough at the mist...]
RS (Hack!) Actually... (hack!) I was wondering... (hack!) if I might give
him a ring, er... find out what happened.
[SP and RS freeze in their tracks. SP turns slowly round, and looks at MG.
MG shrugs her shoulders, then SP nods - just once - back at her...]
MG Of course you may. Whilst your staying with us, we want you to relax and
treat this place just like your own home.
[MG hands RS the phone. It's in the shape of a green plastic toad. RS
studies it for a moment, then flips down the yellow "mouth" to reveal the
keypad. SP suddenly holds a digit in the air, and commands...]
SP Just one moment!
[slight pause as SP retrieves something from the sideboard... it's a chess
timer, with two small analogue clocks on it. RS is not amused. SP flicks
one of the switches on top, and instructs...]
SP Go.

7. IRIS & JUDEE (cont.)
[ext. Judee's (large) house. MG (as Iris) is walking up to the front door,
stubbing her ciggy out on the Mannequin de Pis on the way. She lets
herself in, and greets RS (as Judee) coming down the stairs...]
MG Morning, Mrs Levenson.
[RS flicks her hair up and walks into the kitchen, picking up the newspaper]
RS Oh - there you are, Iris. Oh, I'm so glad I'm going away. It's going to be one
big building site around here, soon. Gangs of navvies whistling at women,
with their bums hanging out of their trousers.
[MG leans back out from the downstairs toilet, grinning...]
MG I know, Mrs Levenson!
RS I've cancelled the milk, the dogs offal, and my tarot woman. Well, hang
her! She didn't know I was going away, so she can't be up to much!
[a disinterested MG comes into the kitchen, and picks up the iron]
MG No, Mrs Levenson.
RS But the chicken man is coming round on Friday as usual, so don't forget.
[RS picks up her "Harvey Nichols" bags and walks down the hall to the living
room. We can still see MG ironing away in the background...]
RS Oh, don't you hate going away, Iris? There's so much you have to
remember! Jaeger suits, Gucci shoes, Chanel bag...
[MG holds up a skimpy pair of see-through frilly thongs...]
MG Shall I put these in to soak, Mrs Levenson?
RS Do you know Antigua, Iris?
MG Is he the chicken man?
RS No, love - Antigua. The place. In the Caribbean. Sapphire blue oceans,
cloudless sky...
[MG snorts a large one back, then spits it out on to the iron with a hiss!
In the living room, RS sits down amid her bags to read a travel brochure...]
RS Do you travel, Iris?
MG Well, we 'ad a week booked in Kendal, but...
RS I don't ask for much. But the carpet warehouse keeps Eddie working like a
black, so... we can only manage six or seven times a year.
[slight pause]
RS I don't know how some people get by without a break - do you, Iris?
With my schedule, I'm all passion spent by the time Ricki Lake comes on.
MG Well, me an' Ron take the dogs for a walk up by Plumpton Rocks when we
want to unwind.
RS Oh, but taste's a personal thing. I mean, look and you and Ron! I wouldn't
stone clad my house. It would look like a rotten filling in a mouthful of teeth.
[RS gets up and walks back into the kitchen. MG seems to be struggling to
move the iron around, which does not go unnoticed by RS...]
RS It's no wonder some people have to drink as much as they do. Oh, and be
careful with that nightie, dear. It cost more than UOK's catalogue.
[RS smiles sweetly, and walks out again. MG grimaces, then prises the
sticky iron away from the material...]
MG Yes, Mrs Levenson.

8. HENRY & ALLY
[int. video store. SP (as Ally) and RS (as Henry) are busy browsing...]
SP Um... we've thin motht o' thethe.
RS Have we?
SP Yeah.
[SP (who talks with a lisp, by the way), starts pointing some boxes out...]
SP Thin. Thin. Thin. Thin. Thin. Thin. Thin... oh, I've not thin that.
[SP picks "Seven" off the shelf]
RS Oh, I 'ave. It's really good.
SP Ith it? 'ow many killingth?
[pause as RS stops chewing a for moment, and states the obvious...]
RS Seven.
SP Aw, ith that all?
[SP disgustedly puts it back on the shelf]
RS It's the way that he does it. He kills one by gluttony, one by greedy, sexy,
ugly, sleepy... dopey an' bashful.
[slight pause before RS admits to himself...]
RS (Wan't that good.)
SP I don't like that Bradley Pitth, anyway.
RS No.
SP Too much acting.

9. TUBBS & EDWARD (cont.)
[ext. Local Shop. MG (as Mr Kidd) is approaching the door. He joins M1,
who is already inside. M1 points to the precious things on the counter
shelves...]
M1 'ere - look at these!
[M1 taps the top of one of the glass jars. Something inside it moves sharply,
causing them to spring back in alarm - but SP (as Tubbs) suddenly appears
behind them, barring their progress...]
SP Yes?
M1 Sorry, love. Are you, er... open?
SP Y-e-s!
[SP looks around, obviously in distress]
SP Can I help you at all?
MG You certainly can! I'm Mr Wint - this is Mr Kidd.
[M1 proffers his hand to SP, who recoils with a whimper...]
SP (Ooh!) Are you local?
MG Er, no. We're conducting a survey on behalf of P.Q. Construction, and we
need to serve you with these papers.
[MG holds out a bunch of papers for SP, who recoils in abject terror...]
SP Waargh! Woo! Wurgh!
MG It's, er, nothing to be concerned about. Just notification that we're
building a new road in your area.
SP NO ROAD! BAD!
[slight pause as SP dives between them, and goes behind the counter,
choking as she does so...]
SP THIS IS A LOCAL SHOP, FOR LOCAL PEOPLE! THERE'S NOTHING FOR YOU,
HERE!
[SP slaps her hand down on the counter, and looks away]
M1 Er - listen, love - we're a bit pushed. All you 'ave to do, is sign this, an' read
the document.
[slight pause as SP gazes in wonder at their yellow construction helmets]
SP Is that a crown you wear?
M1 This? It's just me 'elmet!
SP 'el-mit! (Tee-hee-hee!)
M1 Yes.
SP Can I touch it?
[SP reaches out, but M1 takes a step back]
MG We need to speak to our superiors. Perhaps if we could use your telephone?
SP Tefelome? Erm... tefelome...
[SP searches along the counter, then pulls out a snowstorm bubble...]
SP Is this one?
[M1 confides to MG, then emphasises to SP]
M1 (It's all right - I've got me mobile. Just needs chargin'. Huh!) Er, can you
show me where your points are?
[SP grins, opens her cardigan, and starts unbuttoning her shirt...]
M1 No, no! I didn't mean...
[SP starts screaming, then shouts...]
SP EDWARD! EDWARD!
[RS (as Edward) appears through the door blind]
RS HELLO, HELLO? WHAT'S ALL THIS SHOUTING? WE'LL HAVE NO TROUBLE,
HERE!
SP (Sob!) They're strangers!
RS Not local?
SP He wears a crown, and builds new road!
MG Look, there's been a misunderstanding. Your wife was...
RS Local?
MG ... over-reacting. We just need you to look at these proposals, that's all.
[MG puts the papers down on the counter for RS]
RS Look here, we don't NEED a NEW ROAD! This is a community. We don't
bother the outside world. We don't want it bothering us!
MG Sir - it'll be no bother, I promise you. Just sign this... and you'll never hear
from us again.
[pause as MG pushes the papers further towards RS. RS and SP look at each
other for a moment, then RS picks up a pen and signs the papers...]
RS You're sure?
M1 Absolutely. Besides (huh!), when the new road is laid, you'll be laughing!
(Huh!) Your shop'll be full o' people! (He-he-he-he-he!)
[RS and SP slowly look up in unison...]

10. CHINNERY (cont.)
[ext. Job Centre. A young boy is kicking a can up the pavement. Chinnery
comes cycling past, down the hill, still dragging (or rather, sliding) the
whining dog behind him. Over the speed bump...]

11. PAULINE, MICKEY & ROSS
[int. Job Centre. SP (as Pauline) is stood in front of her desk, holding her
clipboard and pens. The Sasco flip pad behind reads "DO NOT WRITE ON
THIS BOARD!" - underneath are the words "STUPID COW"]
SP Hokey-cokey-pig-in-a-pokey! Good morning, job seekers! Now - before I
begin - I know one of the best pens has gone missing.
[SP shakes the shoebox full of pens]
SP Can I have it back, please?
[pause as someone from the back throws it against the Sasco flip pad]
SP Thank you.
[SP picks the pen up, then wanders around over to RS (as Ross) and MG's (as
Mickey) table]
SP Now - as you're aware - today, we're going to be looking at your career
options. Some of you, like... Ross, here - will want to follow in your
father's footsteps, but you can't sign on forever. So instead, we're going
to be looking at S-A-L-E-S jobs...
[SP walks over to the other Sasco flip pad, which has SALEs written on it
vertically, with EXPEN-S-ES, A-CTION, TA-L-ENT, MON-E-Y and ri-s-k (as an
afterthought) written across it horizontally]
SP ... namely, how to sell this!
[SP waves a magazine in the air]
SP The Big Issue! Now, those of you not in the know, the Big Issue is... a
magazine. It's a bit like Bunty, but... written by tramps.
[SP comes over and perches on RS and MG's table]
SP Inside, it's got... stories... an' poems, an'... look - Mickey, love! Pictures!
[MG reaches out and tries to take it, but SP's too quick for him and stands
up again, holding the magazine out of MG's reach]
MG Blurgh!
RS Pauline, the Big Issue's for homeless people.
SP Mm.
M1 But we're unemployed!
SP That's right, Colin. An' you can earn a little bit o' money for yourselves,
by gettin' out there an' sellin' this to real people.
RS Oh, come off it! Just because we're on the dole, doesn't mean we're
stupid.
[pause as SP glowers at RS, thinking, then goes to up MG and softly asks...]
SP Mickey, love - what is the capital of France?
[pause as MG's face looks blank, then he smiles and offers...]
MG Wine!
[SP prods MG in the back, her case proven. RS hangs his head...]
SP Come on, Ross! On your feet! I need you for this exercise.
[RS gets up and goes over to join SP at the front of the group]
SP Now then, job seekers, I want you all to imagine - if you can - that we're
standin' on a very busy high street... er, I'm an attractive young housewife...
[slight pause as M2 at the front starts chuckling to himself - but stops after
receiving an icy scowl from SP...]
SP ... an' I want Ross here, to sell me this.
[SP slaps the magazine against RS's chest, then walks down the room]
SP In your own time. (Da-de-da-da da-da-da!)
[RS rolls up the magazine, then holds it in the air]
RS Big Issue!
SP Pa-thet-ic. "Big Issue!" Come on, Ross - I want to see you try!
[SP snaps her fingers several times, then comes back to the front]
SP (Do-di-do do-do-do-do!)
RS Big Issue! Er... help the homeless!
SP Ah - better, y'see? Now he's got my interest.
RS Help the homeless - it's only a pound.
SP Good. Watch how I'm startin' to pity him.
[SP chunters a couple of times]
RS D'you want a copy, then?
SP Ask me nicely.
[RS looks pained, but grudgingly asks...]
RS Do you want a copy, madam?
[SP looks pleased with her moment of power...]
SP Ask me... more nicely.
RS Oh, there's no such thing as "more nicely".
[SP starts walking away again...]
SP (Hm-mm-mm hm-mm-mm-mm!)
[RS walks after her]
RS All right - look, will you buy the Big Issue? It's for a good cause!
[slight pause as SP looks into the air, then gently commands...]
SP Beg me.
RS What?
SP You 'eard, Ross. Beg me. Come on, you need the money - I don't. Make me
feel superior.
RS That's no reason to buy it!
SP Beg me, Ross.
RS This isn't what you're supp-
SP Be a good little doggy an' beg me!
RS Your jobs supposed to be-
SP Come on! Sing for your supper! Beg, doggy, beg!
RS This has got nothing to do with-
SP Beg, doggy, beg!
RS YOUR JOBS SUPPOSED TO BE-
SP BEG ME, ROSS!
RS NO!
[slight pause]
RS NO! I WON'T!
[pause for a quick chunter from SP]
SP What?
RS I won't beg you, Pauline.
[pause as the other men all look down at their feet]
SP I see.
[SP holds her hand out, and RS slaps the rolled up magazine in it. A
surprisingly calm SP softly whispers...]
SP Sit down please, Ross.
[RS complies. SP slowly wafts over to RS and MG's table, and makes as if to
offer the magazine to MG to have a go - but at the last minute, uses it as
a club and WHACKS! an unsuspecting RS over the head with it...]
SP WELL PISS OFF, THEN!
[the others recoil at the sound of the impact. RS holds his head, groaning]
RS Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!
SP D'you want to 'ave a go - Mickey, love?
MG No!
[SP's personality forces a frightened MG to stand up]
SP Come on! Course ya do! Remember - we're in a High Street, I'm a
housewife, la-la-la-
MG Big Issue!
SP Big Issue? 'ow much is it?
MG A pound!
SP A pound? 'ave a FIVER! Y'SEE, ROSS? D'you see 'ow EASY it is? It's as
simple as Mickey!
[pause as RS cradles his head. SP is stood in front of him now, uttering...]
SP Oh, you're nothing - d'you know that? Worthless! Less than the (fn)it
on my shoes! I'm extendin' your restart by a month! An' then I'm
sending you on a whole series o' meaningless courses, an' then you're
gonna come back 'ERE...
[SP pokes the table top, then RS's back with the magazine]
SP ... an' I'm gonna RE-restart you!
[slight pause before SP warns the others, wandering among them,
gesturing and threatening each one in turn...]
SP AN' THE REST OF YOU? BUCK YOUR IDEAS UP! KNUCKLE DOWN!
[slight pause]
SP An' gimme those pens back!
[SP snatches the pens from each of them, and marches to the front. RS
watches her, still clutching the back of his head...]

12. POP, RICH & AL (cont.) / BARBARA

[START OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]

[ext. "POP'S NEWS" news stand. MG (as Al) and RS (as Richie) - looking a
lot like Klingons(!) - are arguing. Note: It's actually JD reading Barbara's
lines in place of SP, which were to be added in post-production...]
MG Well?
RS What?
MG Pop wants to meet us at seven. What are you gonna tell him?
RS Leave it, Al!
[PH (as Barbara) walks over from her pink taxi, parked close by]
SP Hiya, lads. Where's your dad?
MG At the Cash 'n 'Carry. How are you, Barbara?
SP Not bad, thanks. You don't sell... women's things, do ya?
MG Like what?
SP Well - it's a bit embarassing, really - but... I'm on.
[slight pause]
RS "On"?
SP Yeah. I came on this morning. Time o' the month. That's why I need...
y'know.
[MG shakes his head]
MG No. Sorry, Barbara.
SP Oh, a'right. Who'd be a woman, eh?
RS But, I didn't think you'd had the operation yet?
SP I haven't. The doctor says it's psychosomatic. Woke up this mornin' with
me bed like a butcher's slab. Ta-ta!
[PH walks off camera. RS and MG continue to glare at each other, silently]

[END OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]

[ext. news stand. RS and MG are still arguing]
RS Al, I'll pay for them. Let me pay for them.
MG It's not the money, is it? The money isn't important.
[MG is "magically" serving customer MG (as Les)]
MG Melody Maker, NME - that's £2.05, please mate.
MG Cheers. Ta-ta.
MG What's Pop always sayin'?
[slight pause]
RS "Principles over pounds."
MG Principles over pounds! There's a principle involved, here. That's why I've
gotta say somethin'.
[MG brings out another Chronicle notice board, with the headline "MIKE READ'S
BREATH IS BEAUTIFUL"]

13. IRIS & JUDEE (cont.)
[int. Judee's house. MG is carrying RS's bags downstairs into the kitchen,
where RS is sat at the kitchen table, reading glossy magazines...]
RS Oh, I'm wiped out. Can't wait to get on that plane. I suppose Eddie and I
are lucky. Must be hard for you, living on that estate.
[MG goes into the utility room and tends to the laundry]
RS Armies of young mum's with eczema and push-chairs - and the men!
With that many tattoos, and arms that look like lumps of Stilton. Eugh!
I'd be scared to pop me head 'round the door.
MG Well, we don't go out much. Ron prefers an early night.
[MG grins a knowing bad-toothed grin... RS tries to ignore the implication]
MG Ooh - them's nice panties, Mrs L!
[MG holds up a pair of scanties]
RS Thank you, Iris. Eddie got me them in Paris.
MG Course, I won't get expensive briefs.
RS Ooh! You should treat yourself from time to time.
MG Just I get through that many pairs. Ron pulling at them with his big fingers.
[slight pause as MG flashes another toothy grin towards RS]
RS Really. Have you packed Eddie's toilet bag?
MG I've given up wearin' anythin' in bed. There's no point, with Ron's libido
the way it is. He's like a lad o' nineteen sometimes!
RS Fancy. And I hope you buttoned his shirts before you packed them.
MG Five, six times a night. And the mornings! Ooh!
RS Yes, when Eddie and I were first married-
MG Oh, it's always been like that for us. Like a couple o' young kids in love.
Just gets better and better. He has me doin' things that would make a
whore blush!
[slight pause for another toothy grin. RS purses her lips]
RS Eddie sometimes wears nothing but his bathing trunks!
MG This way... that way... some of it barely legal! I'm lyin' there thinkin', "will
this pleasure never end?"
[a horn goes outside]
RS That'll be Barbara.
[RS gets up]
RS I have to go check in at the airport. Did I tell you we're flying club class?
And that doesn't mean you get a free chocolate biscuit.
[slight pause as RS hands MG a detergent spray]
RS Have a nice afternoon here, Iris. I'll see you in a fortnight.
[RS turns haughtily, and marches out the room. MG calls unconvincingly...]
MG Bye! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
[the door slams. MG admits to herself...]
MG (That won't leave her many options.)

14. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)
[int. living room. RS (as Ben) enters from the hallway, and looks around. On
seeing nobody about, he pulls the frog-phone out of the sideboard drawer
with the sign "TELEPHONE" on it. He looks around furtively once more, then
punches some numbers. Behind him, MG (as Val, the white witch) comes gliding
into the dining room, with a regular handset to her ear...]
MG We'd prefer it if you'd wait 'til after six o'clock, Benjamin.
[RS looks up, puzzled, then looks behind him. MG glides back into the
kitchen, leaving RS seething...]

15. CHINNERY (cont.)
[ext. moors, looking down the track towards the local shop. Chinnery comes
cycling out from behind the camera, now dragging a bloody stump behind
him. Another dog comes running after him, and starts biting at it...]

16. TUBBS & EDWARD (cont.)
[ext. establishing shot of the Local Shop]

[int. Local Shop. RS is whittling a stick to a sharp point. Sobbing can be
heard off-camera from MG and M1...]
RS You see, Road Men? This... is a local shop.
[camera pans back to reveal a MG and M1 are now naked from the waist up,
save for their yellow helmets. They are bound together, back-to-back...]
RS The strangers you would bring would not understand us. Our customs,
our local ways.
[camera cuts to SP, who is perched on the counter, breast-feeding a piglet
that is dressed in white lace. SP's face is one of absolute bliss...]
MG Not... necessarily.
SP He said I could touch his helmet!
[slight pause as RS stares, aghast, at the hapless pair...]
SP If I showed him my points!
[RS holds the stick against M1's neck, threateningly...]
RS Is this true, Road Man?
[a panic-stricken M1 manages to bleat...]
M1 No!
[RS withdraws the stick, and walks over to the counter shelves]
RS Very well. You... heard the man, Tubbs?
[pause as SP sits there, suckling and rocking the piglet. RS spoons a ladle
of black tar out of a pot - much to MG's horror - and grins...]
RS Get undressed.
[SP throws the piglet behind the counter - with a loud squeal! - then opens
her cardigan, holds her foot against MG's leg, and starts rolling down her
right stocking, to frantic squeals - from the men, this time...]

17. HILARY, MAURICE & SAM
[int. butcher's shop. A cleaver comes swooshing down on a cut of meat. RS
(as Sam) comes through the door, letting a little old lady out first, to greet
MG (as Hilary)]
RS Room for a little 'un!
MG Afternoon, kiddo!
RS Hello, Hilary!
MG I see Fleur-de-Lees is closing down.
RS Oh, I know, I know.
MG That's your mates on the Council putting the rates up again.
[RS raises both hands, then browses the meat display. MG is busy sharpening
some knives]
RS Our hands are tied, Hilary! Our hands are tied!
MG What this town needs, is investment. What about that new road
you're always promising us?
RS I might 'ave some news next week - I can't say no more!
MG I know, Samuel - more than your jobs worth, eh?
[RS raises his left index finger to his noise, whilst pointing with his right to MG]
RS Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
[lengthy pause]
RS Have you got 'em?
[MG glances at the door]
MG Yup.
[MG reaches down behind the counter, and pulls out a lump of something wrapped in
a carrier bag and tied with rubber bands. Just then, the old lady walks back
through the door - causing MG to hurriedly replace the package under the counter
again. RS freezes in place...]
F1 I forgot me brolly!
MG Right!
[pause as F1 picks up her umbrella, then exits the shop once more. RS casts a
glance after her, as MG retrieves the parcel and places it on the counter]
MG Just come in. Very fresh.
[pause as RS looks guiltily at the parcel]
RS Usual... arrangement?
[pause]
MG Don't see why not.
[slight pause as RS sighs...]
RS Thing is, Hilary...
[RS picks up the parcel, then stares down at it in his hands]
RS ... I know it's wrong...
[slight pause]
RS ... it just tastes so good!
[with that, RS stuffs it inside his great coat, and marches out the door. MG
merely licks his lips, and continues sharpening his knives...]

18. POP, RICH & AL (cont.)
[ext. church. The missing "Nana Bradley" is perched on a window above the
porch, wearing a blue nightie and dressing gown. She whimpers a little,
then knocks at the window for attention - none appears...]

[ext. front of church. MG (as Al) and RS (as Richie) are walking past the
porch - neither of them see the old woman...]
MG A chain of newsagents, built up from one shop on a council estate.
[they walk past the church notice board, which has a poster on it that reads
"FIGHT TRUTH DECAY" and a picture of a squeazy toothpaste tube with the
words "THE BIBLE" written on it]
MG Five separate outlets, all in prime retailing sites. And a thriving booth at
the War Memorial? That didn't fall in Pop's lap - did it, Rich?
[camera pulls back to reveal the old woman on the porch, as dusk falls]
RS All right. I made a mistake!
[the two walk off camera. The old woman whimpers...]
F1 Where am I? Oh! Uh!

19. HENRY & ALLY (cont.)
[int. video store. The hapless pair are still browsing the racks]
RS Seen it, seen it, seen it, seen, seen - oh, I've not seen that.
[RS points to the one he means. SP stares at him, exclaiming...]
SP Black - an' - white?
RS Uh. Seen, seen, seen.

20. BARBARA
[ext. street. Bab's pink taxi approaches from the distance...]
SP To be honest, I think I prefer internal protection over towels, y'know.
[close up of PH's hairy legs and arms as (s)he's driving]
SP I mean, who wants to walk around with a great big mattress between
their legs all day?
[an Asian youth wearing a beret is in the back seat, looking uncomfortable]
M1 Just drop me off here, thanks.
SP Right-ho, mate. 'ave a nice day, then. Mind 'ow ya go. Ta-ta!
[the cab pulls up to drop M1 off. M2 comes out his front door to greet him]
M2 A'right, Shaq? Come in.
[M1 enters, closing the door - which has a flowery 70's motif lead window]

21. LES McQUEEN
[int. inside M2's living room. MG (as Les) is sat on the settee, listening to
headphones and playing air guitar. The room is a shrine to all things 70's...]
M2 'ave you met me dad?
M1 No.
[slight pause]
M2 Dad?
[no response from MG, who carries on miming]
M2 Dad!
[MG opens his eyes and looks up, removing the headphones]
M2 Dad, this is Shaq. Shaq, this is me dad.
[MG gets up to shakes hands with M1]
MG A'right? (This your pal, the pop star?)
M2 (Dad!)
[M2 puts his knuckles to M1's, then walks out the room, saying...]
M2 Won't be long.
M1 I'm in a band, yeah.
[M1 sits himself down on the settee]
MG It's a great life, is rock 'n' roll!
[slight pause as MG walks over to the sideboard]
MG 'spect our kid told ya. I used t'ave a band o' me own!
M1 Er...
[MG picks up an LP, with a large "Goodies" style font. It says "CREME
BRULEE - Just Desserts". Four guys in yellow suits are sat on a huge
mound of strawberry jelly, in the middle of a runway...]
MG Creme Brulee?
[slight pause]
MG 'ad a good run at it. Did Eurovision.
M1 "Eurovision song contest?"
MG Oh, yeah. Back in '81. Heats. Same year as Bucks Fizz won. I remember
sayin' to Jay Ashton, just before we went on, "This is where ya @!#$ yer
pants - in't it, Jay?"
[slight pause as M1 says nothing, just picks his fingers...]
MG Real good laugh about it. Right good sense o' humour!
[slight pause]
MG Eh - what d'you think o' that Gina G, Shaq?
M1 Er...
MG Rubbish, wan't it? Ordin'ry. I says to our Tom - it'll not win, that. It's
ordin'ry! Eurovision? You've got to communicate. Look at the Israeli's.
Years in the wilderness, all of a sudden, "Ah-ban-eh-bee-ah-ban-eh-beh!"
Genius. What's y'instrument, Shaq?
M1 At, er, it's mainly programming, you know? Drum loops, rhythms. Lot of
samplin'.
MG Oh, yeah. I tell you what were a good outfit.
[MG points to the framed album behind him on the wall]
MG Smokie. D'you remember them?
M1 No.
MG Fanstastic songs. Really well crafted. You should give 'em a listen. The
bassist runs a sixteen-track out by Castleford way. I go over quite a bit.
[pause M1 looks desperately round to see if M2's come back in yet]
MG I tell ya what, Shaq - I've got a tape 'ere o' some o' me songs! Ballads
mainly. Can 'ave a listen, if ya like!
M1 W-w-well, er-
MG I'm sure I've got one left somewhere.
[pause as MG pulls open a drawer in the sideboard, stuffed full of yellow C90
audio cassettes with "CREME BRULEE - ANOTHER HELPING" written on them.
By hand. He picks one out, then hands it out to M1...]
MG If there's owt on their that yer want, son - yer can 'ave it.
[M1's hands remain firmly in their pockets. MG waves it about a bit more]
MG Do it for nothing, if ya like!
[M1 shakes his head, and tries to say politely...]
M1 We... don't really do ballads.
MG Just take it. What 'arm can it do?
[M1 reluctantly reaches out and takes it off MG]
MG He-he! Let me know I an't lost it yet. Heh! Eh - then yer can 'ave a word
with your record company boss, an'... ask 'im if he remembers Creme Brulee.
Everyone knew me 'round 'ere. I'd walk in a urinal, an' 'eads would turn!
[M2 comes back in the room, with his jacket on]
M2 See ya later, dad.
MG Yeah.
[M1 stands up, relieved. He makes to offer MG his hand...]
M1 Nice to meet you, Mr McQueen.
[MG sees M1's arm coming forward, expecting a "knuckle" shake - but M1's
hand is open in the traditional manner. MG hurriedly switches...]
MG Good luck, son. God bless.
[M1 and M2 leave. MG confides to himself...]
MG It's a @!#$ business.
[MG suddenly notices something M1's left on the settee. It's a yellow C90
audio cassette... (cue sympathic audience coos of "Awww!"]
MG You'll find out.
[pause as a sullen MG picks the tape up, and leaves the room]

22. TUBBS & EDWARD (cont.)
[int. Local shop. The two Road Men (MG and M1) are now tarred and
"floured". Both are screaming, as SP dances "naked" around them, wearing
only a lace shawl. RS is banging on his bongos, having a whale of a time.
SP suddenly leaps towards a terrified M1...]

23. POP, RICH & AL (cont.)
[ext. establishing shot of the warehouse at nightfall]

[int. warehouse. RS is sat on single chair in a clearing, as MG walks
around him (a la Tarantino)...]
MG Look around you. What's Pop's formula, Rich?
[pause]
RS D.P.I. equals S.I.N.
MG D.P.I. equals S.I.N.! Determination, plus Perspiration, plus Inspiration
equals Success In Newsagency!
RS YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
MG Who was the first newsagent to charge for cards in the window on a
daily, rather than a weekly rate?
[slight pause]
RS Pop!
MG Pop! Who was the first, to have the VISION, to sell Ginsters' PASTIES in
a newsagency?
RS POP!
MG POP!
[slight pause]
MG We owe him, Rich. Now, are you gonna tell him - or am I?
RS PLEASE, AL!
MG It's your decision!
[slight pause as the camera swings round to reveal a silhoutted SP raising
his hand against the doorway. (Note: SP speaks thickly, with an unspecified
European accent...)]
SP Guess who's here, eh? He-he-he-he-hey! Where are-a my boys, eh?
Where are my BOYS? Come on - I take you both on, huh? Uh! Uh!
[SP playfully slaps RS and MG with his rolled up magazines]
SP Eh, come 'ere!
[SP drags them both to him, then kisses their heads in turn]
SP Hey, I got presents for the both of yous!
[SP unrolls the magazines - they're porno mags - and gives them to RS and MG]
SP Uh? He-he-he-he-he! Uh? He-he-he-he-he!
MG Er - thanks, Pop.
RS Thanks, Pop!
SP Eh, is OK. Is OK. So - Al - how are-a you, uh? The booth is doing
good? You know, I drive past on Saturday, there is a queue all the
way to the Gents!
MG Yeah - doing good, Pop.
SP Ah. And the cold cabinet? Cans, cartons - they selling well?
Because, you know, I wasn't sure about these Mars drinks.
MG No - they're doing fine, Pop.

[START OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]

SP *Ah, good, good.* I love-a my boys! I LOVE-A MY BOYS!
[SP playfully grabs hold of RS around the neck]
RS How ya doin', Pop?
SP Eh, not so good, Richie. Not so good.
[SP clutches his heart]
SP I've been in one of my niggers, you know? My black moods, uh...

[END OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]

SP *Ah, good. Good, eh?* But hey, I have good news for you, Richie!
Good news. As you know, your brother Al has made a great success
of his news booth by the war memorial.
[SP walks around behind MG and places a hand on his shoulder]
SP For many months now, I 'ave been searching for another site. It has
always-a been Pop's hambition... a BOOTH for each of my two beautiful
sons! M-wah! M-wah!
[pause as SP blows a kiss to both MG and RS in turn. SP then slowly wags
a finger to RS, beckoning him to come forward]
SP You know the key-cutting cubicle, by the indoor market?
[RS nods his head]
SP Well, a little birdy tell me the lease come up in two month!
RS Oh!
SP EH? IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU, RICHIE! PERFECT! THERE IS ROOM FOR
A FREEZER UNIT, A CHILL CABINET... an' you know what I'm thinkin'?
We keep the key-cutting MACHINE! Huh?
RS Oh, great!
SP Yeah, it could open up a whole new AREA for us! An' not just KEYS - no! -
SHOE laces, SHOE polish... maybe ONE DAY, we do repairs as well, eh?
[SP slaps his fist in his other hand]
SP Perhaps soon, you'll be more SUCCESSFUL than your brother, uh? Heh!
[SP goes over to stand behind MG once more, clasping his shoulders]
SP I even start you on the same-a wage...
MG Pop...
SP ... THREE POUND an hour! Now - what do you say, Richie?
[pause as both MG's and RS's face suddenly look serious...]
MG There was an incident...
RS Something happened yesterday morning, Pop. When I was... looking after
the booth for Al.
[pause]
SP Oo- what are you talking about?

[SP looks over first to MG then RS]
SP W-what do you mean, something khappen? WHAT khappen?
[MG sighs, then walks back to SP]
MG Rich was serving...
[SP violently slaps MG on the face, throwing him to the floor...]
SP RICHIE WILL TELL ME HIMSELF!
[a pained expression comes over RS's face]
SP Won't you, Richie?
[MG rises again, clutching his right eye]
SP I wanna hear from your lip, khwhat khappen.
[pause as the camera continues swinging around]
RS Wuh... it was nothing really, Pop.
SP Oh, "nothing really, Pop". "NOTHING REALLY, POP!" THEN WHY ARE YOU
SHITTING IN YOUR PANTIES, LIKE-A LITTLE MISS SMART-GUY, UH?
[SP does his patent "Mary Queen" hand movement under his chin]
SP Why don't you tell me what this "nothing" was?
[pause as MG nurses his eye, before RS finally admits...]
RS Some boys came.
[slight pause]
RS To the booth.
[slight pause]
RS One of them asked for a Snapple.
[slight pause]
RS And I.. had to turn my back, to... open the chiller.
[slight pause. SP half closes his eyes, guessing what's coming next...]
RS An' when I turned 'round again, they'd... taken all the Maverick bars.
[pause as SP's face looks like thunder. SP clamps his eyes shut, then
does a "Manning" (named after Bernard Manning, where he slaps his-
forehead with his open hand, then drags it down across his face)...]
SP Khow many?
[slight pause as SP looks like he's in pain]
RS Nine.
[SP's face grimaces, in even more pain, before hoarsely whispering...]
SP Nine. Nine, uh?
[SP looks at MG, who hangs his head, before turning back to RS]
SP Nine Maverick bars. An' you say this is nothing?
[SP starts to remove his thick leather belt]
SP THEN PERHAPS YOU THINK THAT THIS IS NOTHING, UH?
[SP whips the belt against the floor with a loud CRACK!]
MG OH, POP - NO!
SP WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME, RICHIE?
[RS starts walking away from SP, but SP follows him round]
SP WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME? ALL I WAN' IS TO MAKE TO A MAN! A
BOOTH OF YOUR OWN! BUT KHOW CAN I GIVE IT TO YOU, WHEN YOU
BEKHAIVE LIKE A CHILD! NO! LIKE A BAI-BY!
[SP has been busy wrapping the belt around his fist, and makes to punch
RS, who collapses on the seat, sobbing...]
SP IT WAS A CHILD THAT ROBBED YOU!
[slight pause as SP fails to deliver the punch]
SP Look at my FACE!
[pause as RS removes his hands from his face, and looks up at a tearful SP]
SP Look what you make Pop do!
[SP is sobbing now...]
SP You break-a my heart, Rich! YOU BREAK MY HEART!
[SP makes to strike, as RS cowers once more. MG grabs SP's arm...]
MG POP! Rich really is sorry for what he did!
[SP doesn't resist, and sobs a little more]
MG Why don't we, er, go for a walk - eh?
[SP lowers his arm, nodding]
SP Yeah - we go for a walk.
[SP grabs hold of MG by his neck]
SP Me an' you. Maybe... we talk about the key cutting cubicle, uh?
[slight pause as SP casts a half-glance back at RS, then points at MG]
SP You are my son. My only son.
[SP pushes MG aside, and shuffles away to the door. A crying RS looks up
from the seat at MG, who says nothing, and follows SP out the door.
RS reaches under the seat, pulls out a hold-all, and opens it. MG closes
the door, heavily...]

[START OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]

[... as RS pulls out the nine maverick bars from the hold-all, and clutches
them, sobbing, and scrunches them up in turn, shouting...]
RS WELL, @!#$ YOU, POP!
[slight pause]
RS @!#$ YOU, POP!
[slight pause]
RS @!#$ YOU!
[RS throws the remainder down on the floor and hangs his head, sobbing...]

[END OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]

24. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)
[int. hallway. SP is coming down the stairs, carrying "PET REPTILE" magazine]
SP BENJAMIN?
[SP enters the living room]
SP DID YOU PASS A SOLID INTO THE UPSTAIRS LAVATORY?
[slight pause as SP looks around]
SP BENJAMIN?
[pause as SP looks around - no one else is at home]

25. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.) / CHINNERY (cont.)
[ext. moorland track, at dusk, above the town. RS (as Ben) is coming out of
a red telephone box as MG (as Chinnery) cycles past - dragging what looks
like little more than a chicken drumstick behind him now... RS strains to
make out what the hell it is as MG continues on down the track. A moment
later, a bugle horn sounds - and a pack of yelping hounds race past.
Closely followed by the rest of the Hunt on horseback...]

26. TUBBS & EDWARD (cont.)
[int. local shop. RS has an evil grin on his face, and is holding a large cleaver
in the air, as if to swing it down at any moment. He stalks over to the two
whimpering Road Men, as they try to lean away from him as far as they can]
M1 Oh! Oh, what are you gonna DO? Waargh! Aargh! Wuhh!
[pause - as RS lowers the cleaver, and cuts their bindings... the two men
can't believe it. RS points to the door with the cleaver, nodding, and
manically decrees...]
RS Go!
[the two Road Men need no further prompting, and flee the shop, shrieking
like girls. SP looks puzzled...]
SP Edward?
RS Don't worry, Tubbs! (Ha-ha!)
[SP retrieves a large crossbow from beneath the counter]
RS They won't get FAR! (A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!)
[RS chases after them. SP claps her hands, and bites into a large onion]

27. THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)
[ext. moorland track. It is now night. RS is still in the telephone box]
RS Hi, Martin - it's me. I've been trying to ring you all day. Where are you?
I'm stuck in this @!#$-hole now, and I don't know what to do. Oh, I don't
suppose things could get any worse.
[at that moment, two half-naked tarred-and-floured men run past the phone
box, shrieking like madmen...]
RS Anyway, I'd better go. My uncle locks up the house at quarter past eight.
I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.
[RS exits the telephone box]

[int. Denton's kitchen. MG is listening intently to the speaking clock...]
MG At the third stroke, it will be eight fifteen... precisely. Pip-pip-pip!
[exactly on the third pip, MG flags her hand down to SP, who's waiting for
signal in the hallway. SP rapidly starts bolting the myriad locks... MG
is wringing her hands, as we see the shape of RS come to the front
door. He tries the handle, but it's locked... he stares through the glass
panels at SP, who merely turns, grinning from ear to ear, and walks back
up the hall, into the living room, and sits down on the settee. MG joins
SP after a moment, and they both hold hands...]






LS's Tip of the week
ESSENTIAL OILS aren't essential unless you're an engine, a gearbox or a twat

"post lots irrelevant @!#$ "

hehe

thats as far as i got :P


just had to show off didnt u :P


btw, ballards been quiet recently, were did he run off to cause havok to?

---