F1 2012 Monthly Almanack (lol!)

JANUARY:
Kimi Raikkonen misses the launch of the new Lotus Renault. "The launch was at 10am," he explains. "And I don't get out of bed until 11." Team boss Eric Boullier says: "Kimi will be Kimi. We know what we are getting. But he will win races for us, for sure."

Bernie Ecclestone announces the British Grand Prix will be scrapped to make way for a new race in Outer Mongolia. "Formula One must look to developing markets," he says. "Soon one in every 5,000 Outer Mongolians will be swapping their horses for cars - and F1 must be there when they do."

Lewis Hamilton and Felipe Massa try to put their 2011 differences behind them by visiting the Large Hadron Collider together. Scientists are impressed by their deep knowledge of violent collisions resulting in an explosion of carbon-based particles. Massa tells them: "In India we had a really Big Bang."



FEBRUARY:
The new Red Bull is unveiled – and design genius Adrian Newey has done it again. After cutting a deal over the winter with Dyson, the new RB8 features a turbocharged Dyson Airblade hand dryer placed horizontally on the front of the car and adapted to blow hot air over the bodywork, vastly increasing downforce. "The FIA banned hot-blowing EXHAUSTS," a grinning Newey says. "They didn't say anything about hand dryers – hah!"

Bernie Ecclestone announces F1 will return to Bahrain, despite continuing civil unrest in the Emirate. His plan is to parachute the cars and drivers directly on to the track from a giant Hercules transport plane. Timo Glock refuses to go along with it. "I'm scared of heights," he explains. "I've never reached them."

Kimi Raikkonen fails to show for Lotus-Renault's pre-season testing. "The testing was in Spain – and I live in Finland," he explains. "No problem," says Boullier.



MARCH:
Lewis Hamilton and Felipe Massa collide as they walk along the pits before posing for F1's traditional driver photo at the season-opening Australian Grand Prix. Past issues resurface as Massa blames Hamilton for not looking where he was going. Hamilton seems close to tears as he says: "My mind was on other things. Things have been tough for me, you know. I can only apologise to you, my team and Vodafone."

Sebastian Vettel wins comfortably in Australia. But team-mate Mark Webber's race is ruined on the 32nd lap when Red Bull's new hot-blowing system melts his crash helmet. He tells team boss Christian Horner: "Strewth, mate, I was hotter than a dead dingo's donger in the desert."

Kimi Raikkonen skips the Aussie and Malaysian races. "I have a life. I had other things to do. It happens," he explains. Boullier drafts in Nick Heidfeld as a replacement. "Better than nothing, I suppose," he enthuses.



APRIL:
Having done a deal with World Dryer Corporation, McLaren arrive at the Chinese Grand Prix with their answer to the Dyson-Red Bull combo. "Red Bull caught us on the hop again," team principal Martin Whitmarsh admits. "We heard they were working on some radical new aerodynamic advance – but thought the rumours were just a lot of hot air."
Bernie Ecclestone announces the first South Pole Grand Prix will be held in 2014. He admits crowd potential is limited but says: "We don't need grubby fans peeing on litter-strewn banks at shanty-town racetracks like Silverstone any more. It's all about TV now. With this Grand Prix you'll see a race and a load of penguins all at the same time. Who needs Attenborough – has he ever been to a Grand Prix even?"

Kimi Raikkonen fails to appear in Shanghai. "There were no flights there from Helsinki at convenient times," he says. "Fair enough – airline schedules can be a pain," says Boullier.



MAY:
The Caterham team's transporter crashes on the way to Monaco, wrecking the race cars. Putting an emergency plan into action, the team rolls out a pair of Caterham Super Sevens for Heikki Kovalainen and Jarno Trulli. Around the tight Monaco circuit, they prove surprisingly nimble – and Kovalainen and Trulli romp to a shock 1-2.

Lewis Hamilton runs into the back of Felipe Massa, blaming visibility problems caused by the World Dryer strapped to the nose of his McLaren.

Kimi Raikkonen travels to Monaco but stays in the casino and Tip Top Bar during the race. In a brutally honest and revealing appraisal of his season so far, he tells reporters: "I am reassessing my role in Formula One."



JUNE:
Jenson Button drops 14 laps behind in the Canadian Grand Prix through a series of spins, punctures and drive-through penalties for speeding in the pit lane. Yet he slices through the entire field, picking off his rivals one by one and winning as Vettel, Webber, Hamilton, Alonso, Massa, Rosberg and Schumacher all crash on the final lap. The race is hailed by fans as "almost as exciting as that one in Valencia when one car passed another for the first time there".

Toro Rosso sack drivers Daniel Ricciardo and Jean-Eric Vergne. "They have had six races to prove their worth – and that's plenty long enough for any Red Bull junior driver," says team principal Franz Tost. "Besides, Ricciardo is 22 and Vergne is 21. They are both getting on a bit." The pair are replaced by Briton Jack Harvey, 18, and Spaniard Pepe Oriola, 17.

Fernando Alonso quits F1 to become a matador. He explains: "I can't beat the Bulls on the racetrack, so maybe there is another way." He is replaced at Ferrari by Kimi Raikkonen. Ferrari president Luca di Montezemolo says: "We welcome Kimi back – we are sure he has lost none of his hunger for F1." Raikkonen says: "It was the obvious move. Things just weren't gelling with Lotus Renault. I don't know why."



JULY:
Bernie Ecclestone reinstates the British Grand Prix after a personal plea from Prime Minister David Cameron. Ecclestone sees sense after Cameron explains that in many ways, what with the debt crisis, growing poverty, exploding street crime and all, Britain has become a Third World country. "In that case," Ecclestone exclaims, "you can have a race."

At Hockenheim, Michael Schumacher announces his new personal sponsor – Saga Germany. Asked why he has switched, he responds: "Because it is easier to spell than 'Deutsche Vermogensberatung' and fits on my cap better." He adds: "In case you are wondering, it has nothing to do with my age, which is now... oh dear, I can't remember."

Vettel wins in Hungary. Team chief Christian Horner says: "Seb is a phenomenal driver having a phenomenal season in a phenomenal car. He is a phenomenon who is phenomenally quick. If there is one word I would use to describe him it's phenomenal. In fact, I rarely use any other word for anything."



AUGUST:
During F1's summer break, Jenson Button wins the World Megathon Championship in Hawaii by running 80 miles, swimming 60 miles, cycling 160 miles, flick-flacking 40 miles and hopping 55 miles through burning hoops. To celebrate afterwards, he leaps between the sheets with lovely girlfriend Jessica Michibata – but falls asleep. In the morning Jessica tells him he might like to reassess some aspects of his life.

As part of his 2012 campaign to rebut criticism of his showbiz lifestyle, Lewis Hamilton reveals he is spurning the bright lights to spend the break quietly with his family back in Hertfordshire, drinking cups of tea, eating fish and chips and watching Coronation Street on the telly. Only once does he pop out to spend a brief period from August 1 to August 30 in Los Angeles.

Sky TV announces its new subscription rates for 2013. The F1 channel for £30 per month or the F1 channel plus QVC, Yesterday and Dave for only £5 more. In a catchy ad for the fuller package, Martin Brundle says: "After the excitement of a Formula One race, what better way to wind down than to go shopping, take a look back at our past and have a good laugh?"



SEPTEMBER:
Refreshed after a month-long sleep, Kimi Raikkonen wins the Belgian Grand Prix for Ferrari. Lotus Renault boss Eric Boullier says: "See - it proves I was right all along."
Toro Rosso sack Harvey and Oriola for being too experienced. They are replaced by American Ricky Youngblood, 13, and Dutch rising star Ruud van der Onepube, 12. At the same time, boss Tost unveils the team's new slogan: Today's Results Tomorrow. "It reflects our twin desires to encourage youth while preventing progress," he says.

At Monza, Lewis Hamilton goes for a stroll to see the old circuit's historic banking – and bumps into Felipe Massa. In Singapore, Nico Rosberg finishes sixth for the 14th race in a row. "I'm making huge progress," he says. "I only finished sixth four times in 2011."



OCTOBER:
Bernie Ecclestone cancels the proposed South Pole Grand Prix after being informed the race promoters' assets have been frozen. He reveals he is looking at a replacement event at the North Pole. "I bet it looks much the same," he says. "But do they have penguins there?"

After another dismal season, Williams try to recapture lost glory by entering a third car in the Japanese Grand Prix for their former hero Nigel Mansell. Ballast is removed from the car to balance out Mansell's expanded 2012 frame. He finishes a fine fourth but is then disqualified. It turns out that despite Williams' carefully computerised calculations, the car-driver combination was running under the minimum weight limit by 0.003 grams – approximately the weight of a bushy moustache.

At the Indian Grand Prix, every team is by now running a copycat version of Red Bull's Dyson blowers. And there is a massive shunt at the first corner as drivers are caught out by a sudden gust caused by a combination of 24 turbo hand dryers and the repercussions of last night's curry.



NOVEMBER:
The inaugural US Grand Prix in the heart of Texas cowboy country is interrupted when a fistfight that breaks out in the paddock bar spills over on to the circuit. Michael Schumacher takes one on the chin, which breaks his assailant's hand. Peace is restored after a bunch of Apaches ride in, but not before Nico Rosberg is scalped. Chief Norman Cochise says he has never seen such lovely flowing blond locks on such a beautiful boy.

Toro Rosso sack Youngblood and van der Onepube. Franz Tost is overheard in the paddock asking Jarno Trulli: "How old are your kids?" Trulli replies: "Enzo is six and Marco is five." "Perfect!" Tost says.

Kimi Raikkonen wins in Austin to become odds-on favourite for the world championship after a breathtakingly brilliant second half of the season. He needs just one point to seal the title in Brazil. And with a top ten finish all that is required, everyone in F1 is convinced the naturally talented Iceman will crown his comeback in the most glorious fashion imaginable.

At Sao Paulo, Vettel wins his third title in a row after Raikkonen fails to show. Raikkonen says, "Look, I wanted to be there. Really, I did. But snow is falling in Finland – and you know how much I like skiing." Ferrari principal Stefano Domenicali insists the team is "not at all disappointed" at losing the drivers' and teams' championship at the last gasp. "Kimi will be Kimi," he says, laughing.



DECEMBER:
It's awards time. Bernie Ecclestone hands the Most Remote and Meaningless Grand Prix trophy to Korea. Paul di Resta picks up the Messiest Crash Helmet Design gong.


Jenson drives it like he owns it; Lewis drives it like he stole it



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 01/04/2012 03:30PM by danm.

:D!!!!!

If 2012 is half as exciting as that we have a good season ahead :p!

"Strewth, mate, I was hotter than a dead dingo's donger in the desert." best bit :D!

---

"Trulli was slowing down like he wanted to have a picnic" LOL

''Toro Rosso sack Harvey and Oriola for being too
experienced. They are replaced by American Ricky
Youngblood, 13, and Dutch rising star Ruud van der
Onepube, 12. At the same time, boss Tost unveils
the team's new slogan: Today's Results Tomorrow.
It reflects our twin desires to encourage youth
while preventing progress," he says''

made me LOL the most when I read it.


Jenson drives it like he owns it; Lewis drives it like he stole it