again Schumi's Secret Diary Melbourne

very funny just read it:
"Hello tifosis.

It doesn't seem so long ago that I was talking to you before the grand prix at Monza. Some of you may be remembering that my manager Willi Weber announced I would be telling everyone what I was doing with my career by March 2006 and now we are in April and I am not telling anyone yet.

There is a good answer to this. Ask Sabine.

Last time I gave you my insight we did not have such a problem with our piston rings. And this is piston us off, believe me. What with our only-a-little-bit flexible wings and the engine vibration, the Ferrari 248F1 is not quite the kind of car Rory Byrne would have produced for us, though I am very careful not to mention this loudly except in the ear shots of Ross and Jean.

They are working all they can to cure the mechanical problems, and the other driver problem also. Felipe Massa is young and unused to Ferrari speak. When Jean came on the radio in Malaysia to tell him that he was very marginal on fuel - code for slow down and let The Schum come past - he kept on going faster and faster.

Now after Australia he will have to pay more attention as he has caused many repair problems crashing the car twice. I know I also had a small impact with the barrier, but my accident was caused by a well-known track bump (unlike Christian Klien who is a well-known movable bump).

The Australian officials were not appreciative of my suggestion to remove it from the track afterwards; one of them said to me: "So |Schumi, you mean Sato and Ide can steer round it and you can't."
I said, "Yes, but they have half an hour to see it coming."
It was part of my quest to become 50% funnier in 2006, but I am not so sure they appreciated my humour.

It was very funny to read that Max Mosley thinks Flavio Briatore is the best example of an F1 boss. Quite honestly and obviously Jean Todt is the best example of a team boss because he does not lose his temper like a drunken woman on a Saturday night. Flavio likes making the deals yes and he is very funny when you can understand what he is saying, but he is not good at keeping his temper.

Only last weekend he was telling Fisico unspeakable things on the radio in Italian (so Pat told me afterwards at Melbourne Airport) this is not good for motivation. And of course he is remote controlled by Bernie Ecclestone. Now that Eddie Jordan has retired, Bernie has only one glove puppet to play with. Perhaps that is why Max thinks he is such a good boss. That and the fact he is not called Paul Stoddart.

It was a big surprise to me that Mike - The Doberman - Gascoyne has been sacked by Toyota. The last time I heard he was travelling to Germany every day by plane, which is never the best way to commute to work, both for the environment and also for his family. Though I imagine his Frequent Flyer points must have been very good indeed.

From conversations with Ralf I think he wanted to take some of the factory and put it in England, but Toyota wanted to keep it in Cologne. It is not good for their future because there are only a limited number of great technical directors. I can easily see him moving to McLaren - though he would have to become more like Mike - the lovable Colly dog - Gascoyne working for Ron - the Shitzu - Dennis.

As for my future, I am looking forward to a storm-back at Imola. It will be fitting and touching if I can pay tribute to Ayrton by beating his pole record at the track he is most remembered at. It will also stop people asking me THAT question I hate the most, along with: "What do you think of Valentino Rossi?"

Anyway, back to my quest at being 50% funnier

Here's a good one: Why do Elephants have big ears?
Shall I tell you why?
Because noddy wouldn't pay the ransom money.

Yes, I didn't understand it either, but Ross laughed.
The Schum"


speed freak

lol love this bit

The Australian officials were not appreciative of my suggestion to remove it from the track afterwards; one of them said to me: "So |Schumi, you mean Sato and Ide can steer round it and you can't."
I said, "Yes, but they have half an hour to see it coming."

Quite honestly and obviously, I love the ditzy way they're written, pure class. Pity it will be when the old Schum retires...

Hehehehe :D

Oh, I was gonna post this, as I have done with his older ones - damn the fact I was on holiday :-D

Very funny thouugh...

Laters,

Montana_UK

New Schumi Diary from Spain 2006

[www.planet-f1.com]

The Sekret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Spain
Saturday May 20 2006

Michael Schumacher gives Planet-F1 the inside track on the latest shenanigans in F1...

Hello tifosis. This is getting a bit more interesting now. You will have noticed that things have certainly livened up in the last few weeks. All the expectations of the beginning of the season have been turned on their heads. The man who was expected to be the front-runner this year is now falling away - yes, Valentino Rossi's name has hardly been mentioned in the last few weeks.

So in 2007 it could be me and Felipe at Scuderia Ferrari, or it could be me and gurgle boy. Or it could be gurgle boy and Felipe. The motorbike monkey does not seem to figure in it all. However everything is conditional upon me

My movements are being studied by everyone in trying to work out who will be driving where in 2007. One thing is for certain, Jarno Trulli will be leaving Formula 1 - to open a hair salon in San Remo. He is likely to be very good in the shampooing, but fall steadily behind during the cutting and the blow-drying.

It is interesting to see that Edmund Irvine is having a change of views about who should go where in F1. Edmund said that Jenson should not go to Honda at the end of last year because Williams were a better team, then he said that he would have trouble racing against Rubens, and now he says he shouldn't have committed himself so long to Honda. Basically he doesn't know anything - which makes him the perfect candidate to take over an F1 team. He and Flav could talk for hours.

I think the reason that Fernando is fighting so hard to be World Champion in 2006 is because he knows that he will not stand a chance in 2007 with McLaren. All the talent is leaving the team, first Adrian Newey and then the aero team, and it is not surprising when you consider their boss has all the charisma of a water butt. There have been rumours in the past that if Rossi and Raikkonen joined Ferrari then I might go to McLaren. When I read that I am almost choking on my Schnitzel with laughing. It is the same likelihood as Max Mosley dressing up in gay biker gear or my sister-in-law wearing underwear. Well, the second one definitely.

I am quite happy to sit back and wait for things to pan out in the long run eventually, at this moment in time. As Mark Blundell would say..

Some people have been asking me about my movie debut in 'Cars', but it is my voice only that will be appearing.

The plot of the story is that this little car is on the way to the Piston Cup Championship in California when he gets stopped on a detour through sleepy little Radiator Springs on Route 66. There he learns about other important things in life and not just racing.

Have you heard this kind of thing before? Yes you have, it's the plot to Doc Hollywood with Michael J.Fox who used to have my haircut. I play an interesting voiceover, as well as Fernando Alonso. Because most Americans do not know who we are, or what F1 is, or where to find Europe on a map, I think this is for marketing purposes only.

I have to tell you, I don't think it's as strong a performance as my Vodafone advert last year where I had to queue up at a bus-stop and go to work while some nerk gets to drive my car... That, I think, is my best moment in acting - even better than pretending to find Ted Kravitz's questions interesting.

So, we saw what happened in Spain, what lies ahead for your Schum? Monaco could be good to get points off Fernando, or it could be disastrous. Though I am telling people it is not just two horses in this race, quite honestly and obviously it is. And when people know there are two horses fighting it out, they know they can stick their car up the inside and that horse won't turn in and risk losing the points. So we will both have to watch ourselves and make sure we are nowhere near Juan Pablo Montoya.

Monaco could be heaven or hell, but it will certainly be worth watching. See you there tifs.

The Schum
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Laters,

Montana_UK



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/05/2006 04:17PM by montana_uk.

And now the one from Monaco...

[www.planet-f1.com]

Schumi's Sekret Diary: Monaco
Tuesday May 30 2006

Michael Schumacher has been revealing his private thoughts in Planet-F1 for the last four years. And following his little 'incident' in Monaco he has decided to come clean.

Hello tifosis. I had a bit of a strange weekend, I can tell you. So far I have not revealed the true reason of what is happening to me in Rascasse on Saturday, but quite honestly and obviously I would like to get it all over my chest.

First of all I would like to thank the Ferrari pitcrew for going on the Planet-F1 poll and voting "No it was a complete accident" for the last two days.

Because this is truly what it was. I know many people have said many nasty things about what I did, but it is true. Keke Rosberg said it was the cheapest dirtiest trick, but what does he know about F1. When he was World Champion in 1982 he won it with only seven points, and three of those he got by converting Air Miles.

Jarno Trulli said if he was parking the car he could do it better, well maybe that's what he'll be doing for a living after this season.

Jacques Villebeuve said it was the most embarrassing thing he's ever seen. Well, he clearly hasn't seen Ron Dennis dance or Norbert Haug in his Bavarian weekend leisure lederhosen.

I challenged all the critics and said they should come up and tell me I'm a cheat to my face. All they have to do is get through the tight security around the outside of the Ferrari motorhome, fill in a "Schumi-you're-a-cheat" accreditation form and wait to hear back from Luca Colliani. Then we shall see, eh, eh. Yes. Come and have a go if you think you're firm enough!

Anyway, what was happening on my second hot lap, you are wanting to know...

It all started on the Friday, our day off. As you know in Monaco we practise on Thursdays and take Friday off, because it is traditional in Monaco that nobody works on Friday because nobody has to do very much except scratch their arses and buy stuff.

As you know tifosis I despise tax exiles, I only live in Switzerland because of my great love of cuckoo clocks and the healthy environment.

Anyway, we had a hard promotional day and at the end of it, Luca, Chris, Ross and I decided to do what the old F1 drivers used to do - you know Jim Clark, Graham Hill, and Sterling Moss in the swinging 1960s - pay a visit to the Tip Top club. So, we got there and I had a couple of ginger beers while Ross helped Sterling Moss, who was still there chasing dolly birds on his Motability scooter.

I am not used to the fizzy bubbles and all of a sudden I am going dizzy and waking up in this hotel room in my underpants and there is this blonde model with enormous gazongas absolutely stark naked.

You know how Cora Schumacher looks a little bit like a porn star? Well, like that but classier. The kind of girl Kimi Raikkonen can't pull at a pole dancing club. And she is walking toward me saying: "Schumi, you have been very bad, I will have to tie you up now."

I can remember blurting out, "No, no, I tipped the waiter 20 euros, that is enough."

I tried to get up but I am so unused to intoxicating beverages that my legs are crumpling downwards and my nose is getting parked in between these massive mountainous norks.

At which point Chris Dyer my engineer comes in and rescues me before she can take the video for News of the World or F1 Racing Magazine, whichever it is.

Now, you know your Schumi. On the Saturday I am totally focused on the job in my hands and I have already secured the pole position. For the second run I am travelling at speed towards the Rascasse when suddenly I get to the hairpin and look up. There, on the balcony, is the blonde with the enormous norks waving her mobile phone at me and dressed in nothing but earrings and a big smile.

The shock is so great that I stamp on the brake pedal and lock the brakes, (as you have seen on TV) then my mind goes blank and all of a sudden I have wandered towards the wall like Yuji Ide on one of his better laps.

I stagger out of the car and everybody is shouting, "You parked the car, you cheat," while I am secretly thinking 'I hope the blonde with the enormous norks hasn't got any photos'.

So when people ask me what happened, I can hardly tell them about my hotel romp, so this is a very big problem. Because Lieblings Pudgie Wudgie Donut Face will be raising the drawbridge at Schloss Schumi if she finds out. So I have to stay tight lipped. I cannot tell Max what really happened, because then he would tell Matt Bishop.

Ross has told the pitcrew but everyone is sworn to secrecy. Even Jean doesn't know.

Thankfully I am lucky to have the support of some understanding tifosis like you, who know I am not just fabricating an elaborate cover story because secretly I was actually cheating, which quite honestly and obviously I wasn't.

You are the very best tifosis a Schum could ask for

Keep on voting on those polls, to clear your Schum's name.

The Schum
------

Laters,

Montana_UK

lol hehe... :D

some funny bits in there!

(wrong spelling of Villeneuve and Luca Collajani though)

---

RIP Jules, never to be forgotten. #KeepFightingMichael

Keke Rosberg said it was the cheapest dirtiest trick, but what does he know about F1. When he was World Champion in 1982 he won it with only seven points, and three of those he got by converting Air Miles.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL